Carpe Diem

My whirlpool and the Greener side(s)

2011-04-25T20:58:00.004+05:30

I have never understood how "demons" of the past have so much strength and capacity to roar back to life at the most unexpected, inopportune moment and it so easily becomes a tornado that keeps sucking you in.It is even more surprising to note that one's memory becomes a ready accomplice in this plot, making afresh all those instances in rapid succession, that add to the inner forces of that tornado.
While I was in its grip last evening, and into today,it makes me impatiently angry,to not be able to pull myself out of it.

Which kid would not have had instances of being teased,for something or the other.Which adult would not have gone through the pains of comparative self-criticism.Society is made that way,where we spend all our initial years tying to fall in line with the norm,or defy it precisley to attain the same objective as -gain appreciation,applause or a sense of envy that people feel for us- and grow up to realise that we have to work the rest of our lives to make a "distinctive" mark in the same society,keeping the measures of success the same.Why then, on knowing and understanding all of this, it still becomes difficult to ignore the "what I lack and he/she has/is blessed with" and focus on "what I have and how to make best of it". Why is it always so easy to show this to someone else, and when it comes to oneself,we always tend to forget it.
I look at someone and feel he/she is so lucky to have the perfect body or is so good-looking,they would look good in everything they put on and may be their good looks helps them score a brownie point in a lot of things/with a lot of people who automatically get softened by a pretty face. Or I look at someone who belongs to a "Rich" family and though I am a big professor of "self-made" success,money and all things that it can buy,I still feel jealous at times when I am tempted to travel to an exotic location or drool over a breathtakingly beautiful dress.For a long time in life, I have been able to convince myself that I have the best combo- Being a middle-class Fatso,the expensive dress is not such a big loss because it would never make me look as 'awesome' as a thin chic !! But of late, I seem to be losing the ability to concort such rationalisations to glorify my existence,and there are these moments when I get pulled into the whirlwind of "everything that is wrong with me".

I just wish there was some mechanism by which whenever one feels this way, there could be a mirror showing us how someone else feels the exact same thing about us and one can get some perspective to bounce back and enjoy life..Usually a good moral building story, or a movie is able to bring about this realisation through relevant juxtapositions, and guess even Life does it all the time,its just the lens one dons that makes all the difference.

As my Mom always says- " Nazariya badlo, nazaare badlenge..."
Wish it was as easy to do as to say that.

Corporate 'selling' of self!

2011-03-25T00:28:00.002+05:30

After seeing what my husband has been reduced to,I have seriously started wondering at my craze for Marketing as a function..or rather still, the bane of a corporate existence that makes such a mockery of one's self esteem.It rather feels as if a corporate professional has sold himself/herself because there is no life left,no time left,no interests get catered to. I fear how I would handle a scenario like this if I ever were to land in it. I wonder what is the outcome of SUCH a uni-faceted (if there ever was such a word) life...even if, Even If it was what one was interested in,doesnt excess of anything drive away its pleasure?
God help me with instances like these ,not only when,& if(God forbid) I have to undergo them,but even now when I am an indirect recepient of them.

How feminist is Feminist?

2011-03-08T20:48:00.003+05:30

It is an interesting discussion - feminism. I know that by calling it a "discussion" I am risking a self-imposed fall of the gravity of it all. But the truth is that I dont feel the fire about it the way I used to earlier.Not to say that I dont consider it important enough, but the manner of expression- rising pitch, flaring nostrils and gradually clenching fists that were replaced by the tirade of vocal expressions in college,have come to a much deeper-almost scarily judgemental attitude towards people who do not fall in line with my Feminist beliefs.Yes, from an almostdesperate need to explain & convince people to see the way I did on this topic, to becoming snobbishly "correct" in my mind (& peer group) I do think I have come a long way. My choice of friends (and now my husband) probably does pronounce the way I have moved in that regard.Probably the only people I still find it worth convincing are some of the "women" in my family who I still feel are tied down to some notions despite so much of independence of thought.

So where is the problem?
It probably is as much a part of growing up and realising how things move from Blacks & Whites to Greys.It is when I am confronted with someone questioning the depth of 'My' feminism- as to how much of it actually gets translated into action. It pops up in my head when my fairly liberal husband asks me not to cook when the maid is on leave, and I still get up to do it because ostensibly I dont want to eat out but somehwere in a deeply subconscious way I do feel that even though I may ask him to help me in the kitchen(which he does as much as his knowledge allows him to),I still have to steer that part of the household work. It springs as a big ? when I realise that I still feel embarassed when accompanied by a man to purchase my "monthly supplies of feminine hygiene products". And when I was reading this article in the Times on Sunday, I did think that what one of the women mentioned was something even I would find tiring and probably irritating- having to pick up and drop my husband from/to work.

For all the equality that I used to profess in school/college, I have started believing,more so after being in a relationship, that demanding equality in "every" thing may be too far-fetched,because men and women do differ at a very very basic level in thoughts,perspectives and behavior.Why I mention 'after being in a relationship' because I have truly donned the lens of an impartial view of the male behavior only after that.And I also realise the comparison b/w the sexes has increased to a different plane- like a lot of other couples with whom I have discussed this topic at length. Some egs that bounce off me are,how when I used to come to Chennai to visit my fiance,secretly I would wish that he was there at the Bus stand to pick me up(*which for me had nothing to do with the fact that I arrived at 4 am, but for him that was the reason)- and compare this with my opinion above on "picking up/dropping" !)...or even though our monthly finances are divided between us, the wedding costs of my half were taken care of by my parents and I was in a way okay with the arrangement..or that I still expect more gifts From him than I would ever Give him! I sometimes feel this pressure- completely created by me- where I become judgemental about my own 'first' thoughts/reactions, because they might not fit with the paradigm of the kind of feminism I grew up believing in. So I am somewhere at peace with the discomfort within me when I notice discriminating trends at work between colleagues of different gender (or used to in my previous Co),but feel helplessly hassled when I display the tendency of 'seeking advice' from my husband while shopping!

I have come to believe that the world that 'I' live in,at the moment, is much different from the one I used to,and in this world 'shouting out loud' making demands or 'preaching' the need for equality may be passe.Inequality does prevail- sometimes for the good and mostly for the bad,but in a covert way, in my slightly more sophisticated environment of living.I dont shut my eyes to the glaring evils like Female infanticide or denial of education to girls or refusal of the right to inherit parental property, and I in my very small way try and at least contribute something there- but what does leave me baffled is coming to terms with the state of flux that a woman like me is in- of being empowered,independent and yet not knowing how to handle the internal dilemna of complicated contradictory thoughts or rather the genesis of those thoughts.
Of whether to accept them and feel empowered by "conscious life Choices" or revisit my understanding of Feminism in its unsoiled form?

Welcome back

2011-01-11T16:05:00.003+05:30

Its been a full year since I have written!!..and this realisation shook me a little right now

2010 was an eventful year for me- change of Job..change of relationship status ,et al :)

But my Big New Year Resolution is to write..a lot and get back to writing verse too :)

On that note, welcoming myself back

Tata 2009

2010-01-05T17:24:00.002+05:30

Hmm...another New year eve alone in Madurai but no celebration this time.
Actually would not know what to celebrate with the closing of a year that brought the most brilliantfanasticallyfabulously lovely thing that can happen :)

I havent written for a long time and actually the reason has been the juggling of my state of mind between two extremes of my life- the continued and exponentially increasing frustration at work and ever-so-prolonged stay in this city/lifestyle alongwith the bright new "sunshine" in my life that "says best when says nothing at all" ;)

I spent some time this New Year's Eve too, thinking about my Highs and Lows in 2009and here is what my mind scribbled on my Yellow Pad (meant for jotting down these things and oh-so inspired from Bucket List) had at the end of it, not in the order of importance :

Highs:

1- The Biggest and Best-est (shy & blushing even when scribbling),which culminated in my getting engaged on 21st of November to Mr.smart-cute-caring Digish Parekh (all other adjectives not meant for public consumption :P )

Prior to that day I realised,probably for the first time, what Anxiety attacks meant.Not ever having spent more than an hour in the 'beauty parlor', doing so on 20th started getting on to my nerves, and all through the train journey,even meeting my family the next morning,kept that sense of 'fear as to whether his family/relatives would like me' very alive inside me. Consenting to the wishes of my family memebrs and allowing myself to be dolled up (which for a change made me look good), I remember my walking out of the elevator of his building and flower petals being showered at me (I almost felt like a film star-albeit a shy,embarassed one not used to so much attention).My first step into the house and on lifting my eyelids,my gaze met his encouraging eyes and warm smile - that was also the first time I realised how Anxiety attacks diffuse away leaving a sense of "All izz well" :)

2- My much awaited and looked forward to "Leh-Ladakh" trip. The way the trip unfolded has been discussed and debated by some of us a lot, and though I agree with them , on my part the fascination that this place has held in my heart all these years, was so great that when I was there it was like a Dream - yes, I almost felt that for that entire week, I was floating in a dreamlike existence. The contrast of landscape, weather, food,roads and mood was something to gobble up in that span of time
(That also reminds me of Venice, which also has been one such place I had always imagined about, and when I had visited it I felt out of the world-literally-almost unconnected with the people around me and yet conjoined to the overall place and the heady atmosphere)

3- My first rightfully earned and deserved Performance Bonus- not for the money as much for the 135% Achievement.I have had a little too much of good luck and hence bad habit of "marks,good nos, good performance" obsession.(And anyway looking at the brawl-at -work scenario this year, its "naiyya doobi samjho bas")

4- The way my Bday was celebrated this year- it was a very distinct and unexpected one (and in retrospect in the light of other events that unfolded,seems nice yet interesting in a questioning manner !)

Lows:

1- The LIVING in MAD-urai that continues to go on and on like an endless exile ....I can begin to sense the mental state of trauma fraught with rebellious thoughts,cynicism and forced conditioning that anyone serving a lifeterm in jail would be going through on a daily basis!!

2- Frustration@Professional life - I guess most people feel it. Just has tentacles that keep growing into the very nerves of your body and endangering every other possibilty of small delights of life (Gawd, so much of negative imagery just came to my mind)

3- Part of 2.- the person contributing a very high % to it

4- Something in my family that I wish I could do something about, that gives such a pathetic and angry feeling of helplessness,making me feel like a five year old instead. Ahhhggghhh..grrrrhhh.

5-Radha Aunty leaving us- Hadnt for a moment imagined that when I walked into the Kumaran Hospital on that May afternoon, it would be the last time I would set eyes on her. And yet in a way I was happy that Ma did not see Aunty in that state. The meaning of South Indian delicacies to us, the stopover of our climb to the 8th floor when returning from school,our lift didnt work and we had heavy schoolbags on our shoulders, my bro and I always ran down to the 4th floor, for anything special that was cooked,the connect of our Bhubaneswar and CMPDI colony days that continued to Ranchi. Mom's best friend till date and a very loving and warm Aunty to us and in a matter of less than a year from the detection of Cancer, she left us. I still remember her each time I cross a flat in my colony which has the aroma of home cooked sambhar coming from inside,still the first number in my phonebook for "R" and the searing pain that spreads inside me whenever I go past the Kumaran hospital in Chennai.
On the Engagement day, standing on the rooftop of Hotel Pride, overlooking the same Kumaran hospital, I couldnt help but remember that day and think what it would have been like if she was there on that special day of mine,spreading that cheerful talk that was such a trademark of hers.

God Bless.

6- GrandPa's health- This was a shock. Thats the kind of power a disease like Cancer has,every time for any individual.

WOW..It was an Eventful year-2009

And another year comes that I can only welcome with this thought:

"Give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance, I wanna grow up once again..and I hope the chance is this year :) "

My first Diwali alone

2009-11-11T22:05:00.001+05:30

Almost a month after the day, I could finally bring myself to write this.

My first Diwali alone.

I know in today's day and age , I wouldn't stand out for having to face this situation, but for me, it still would be a tough nut that I cracked.
It was almost a preparation for not falling prey to the predicted outcome of being alone on Diwali-getting depressed. So i stacked up my DVDs in order, to start my "MAD-urai Movie Marathon" 16th night onwards. In between phone calls from ghar and relatives and distributors wishing on the eve of Diwali itself, and Rani Mukherjee romancing Shahid Kapur ( looking oh so sweet and adorable amidst the flimsy script) and the bat,I managed to sleep peacefully and wake up all excited for D day. Cleaning the house and puja ghar, and dolling myself in new clothes,basically 3 hard worked long hours later, I was tired- physically and mentally. I felt exhausted,trying to fight my nostalgia and 'missing people' sulking and the fight I was putting up with someone, trying to not lose the traditions invloved with Diwali- the cleaning and puja and new clothes and rangoli (which I finally did not make after procastinating for long).So I decided to do something different this Diwali, and gifted my neighbor's son all the mithai and crackers that I had recieved from office,etc. At least the smile on his face and the glint of excitement in his eyes on seeing the big box of crackers was my first high point of the day. I felt very nice about myself and my ability to give away those crackers and mark my very first no-crackers Diwali (am growing up!! ;P )

The numerous phone calls through the day (with the constant earth-shaking noise in the background), though requiring a lot of effort, were a constant reconfirmation of the existence of friends and family, something that always pulls one through when alone. However, my biggest achievement was how the simple line oft forced into moralistic "festival" essays we write as kids,played on my mind enough to make me feel the need to "not " keep up a fight on a day of celebration like Diwali- and this worked so much better than all those long explanations and discussions ever do, to clear the air in a situation of conflict. This realisation was like a breath of fresh air (amidst the smoke ridden air outside and the clutter in my mind inside).

For things like these, if nothing else, I still love festivals, even if I have to be alone to celebrate them.

Happy Diwali always :)

Ajab Prem...

2009-10-09T13:40:00.002+05:30

Guess,this has been written keeping hopeless romantics,like me, in mind :

"Kuchh yaar nazar nahi aata, gharbar nazar nahi aata,sansar nazar nahi aata..
Jab pyaar hota hai..." :P

Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani ..or
Ajab Premiyon ki Ghazab short-sightedness

2009-10-08T21:26:00.001+05:30

Yes so I made a really big effort to watch Wake Up Sid.
Travelled two continuous nights in A/C Non Volvo, to watch Mr. Ranbir Kapoor supposedly give the best performance till date and Konkana Sen Sharma act in a Karan Johar production.
To say the least I was not impressed...in fact angry at moments, and disturbed too.

So the movie has nothing new to offer...its Lakshya tossed with Dil Chahta Hai 'yippie'ness and 'cool'dom.
But what bothers me most IN the movie is Ms.Ayesh...aa - 27 year old woman who wants to be "independent",defined by earning for yourself, living alone, cooking and washing and managing your house - basically,do everything yourself and enjoy your company(wait till you are posted in MADurai for one and a half years!!anyway). So all of this is fine. But how does she go about doing this?? by simply moving to Bombay, with nothing else than ONE interview as a Plan, taking up a spacious appartment with a breathtaking view in Bombay and furnishing it with, yes arty,but still very expensive stuff (ask me who has furnished her appartment and managed to stay afloat) and mind you in all this, she hasn't yet found a job; then hopping to 'Mumbai Masala' , her only hope, her dream publication,and giving a 'I will clean your desk creatively' kind of sweeping off the editor (!!!) statement to make it for the job, and stay put in Bombay.
Also (as Deepti pointed out to me and I completely agreed), Mr. Lost Sid so conveniently and predictably finds his passion and gifted talent of photography to see him through, that the real angst which one could have felt with him, transforms into almost an envious unacceptance.

Disturbing-- Disappointing

Okay so I am a lover of the Yash Chopra - Karan Johar Romantic fantasies, but when they promise to be fantasies that I can perch up and look at with stars in my eyes and dreams fluttering in my heart. When with that kind of fluffiness they enter a world with attempts at "identifiable character"creation and then give them no body , it is very unsettling and definitely unacceptable.

Not that the movie was that bad,it did not have great insights,but surely some good moments, my favorite being when Ayesha calls home just after Sid has moved out of her appartment, telling her parents she is missing them a lot.

Now what bothers me AROUND the movie- has to be Mr.MNS maker aka potential Talibanising India guru, Raj Thakeray's publicity at the cost of this movie.
Wake Up Sid- Ten minutes into the movie and anyone, I mean ANYONE, can feel that this movie is like a TRIBUTE to Bombay; and trust me you do not have to be a Bombay-ite to feel that (This coming from a person who has hardly seen the place but is very biased against it).Also, the attempt to make the audience fall in love with the city is the one attempt in the movie, I would say, which comes close to some success. Now for all this, Mr.Marathi Manus, turns blind to SUCH a big favor a movie maker is doing to the city and all that is visible (oh sorry )..audilble to him are the two syllables: Bom-bay..!!

P.S: I am so happy I am no Karan Johar and can call a city what I feel like calling.

2009-10-08T21:04:00.002+05:30

I am back after my so-very-long hiatus...and it is purely to save myself from what I fear the most.."fading away"(will write a post on that some day when I am very very inspired probably :P )..but for now I dedicate myself to one of my loves...writing

boond boond...

2009-10-08T20:53:00.001+05:30

I can see the rain from my room
the drops falling, slipping, settling
on whatever that comes their way
not thinking,hesitating or restraining
just letting themselves fall by

I can hear the rain from my room
Lashing against the windows
Beating the ground, hurting themselves
the drops still touch the surfaces
that give music to their fall

I can smell the rain from my room
Mingled with every breeze that reaches out
Fused with every grain of the soil
freshening it with a scent so fine
being absorbed by it,not knowing why

I wish I could be like the rain outside
Hit myself and not feel the pain
create a beauty no artist could capture
produce a music only hearbeats could murmur
spread the heady fragrance only a new romance could parallel
not "have" to live ...just be myself

Y-S-W-L-A : Young Single Women Living Alone

2009-07-25T14:21:00.007+05:30

Would like to add SMART to that list :P

http://getahead.rediff.com/slide-show/2009/jul/22/slide-show-1-young-single-women-who-live-home-alone.htm

Interesting read ..part agree and part disagree, but then there isnt an opinion on living alone in a town like Madurai,so!

Goes out as a tribute to Deepti Pande :) //you know why//

the little gal

2009-07-14T21:21:00.001+05:30

as she stood in that corner
With her little packets of dreams
hugging them tight,never to let go
waiting for someone to see her
and give her the helping hand she would not ask for
giving every passer by a simle
the corners of which are salty wet
invisible to all,only her dreams can see
tears that have stayed so long
have widened her eyes such

i wish i could walk to her
and give her a warm hug
wipe her face dry
give her eyes some rest
open all her dreams
let them fly around her
filling the air with fragrance and delight
bring that playfulness back to her
see her jumping with joy
not knowing or caring who passes her by
long lost in the comfort of her innocent delight

i wish i could walk to her
and slap her face tight
bring her to face reality
and scorn at the passers by
ask her to walk on
dropping each dreamy packet on the weather beaten way
or just get swallowed by the earth thats waiting to eat her away

Spare some time for this...

2009-06-10T20:58:00.003+05:30

Something that can happen to anyone anytime...and what makes each human being realise the sheer power of the unknown- the disease called Cancer.
A case of one of the seniors at work, a perfectly healthy person and the change in his life hence, has made me think a lot.

Attaching the link below and hoping anyone who passes by my blog, does spare some time for this.
http://www.helpabhishek.com

Too good to be true??

2009-06-02T14:17:00.006+05:30

Sometimes I feel that as much as one claims to know oneself and understand oneself,what people who know you can come up with during random or serious discussions , can always leave you perplexed and wondering.And so did this line leave me with the Double Question Mark.

A statement like this may or may not really summarise my actions/behavior towards the person concerned,but it really makes me think how the said person,and so many of us, have graduated to a state of existence wherein
"WE JUST DO NOT BELIEVE" - that we tend to begin by mistrusting a person, a situation , a behavior or an event,that something can be pure without any hidden agenda/malice or ulterior motive isnt a possible option in our 'low threshold of trust' minds.
I remember how during my school and early college days I used to be accused (the fact that I use this word,is a case in point of my current state) of being very idealistic and impractically romantic (in the all-encompassing sense of the word); that I believed in a utopian world ,the significant thing being that the utopia was not a dream but a reality I believed existed only if each of us stop this inner urge to judge/mistrust and not waste our energy in finding the follies rather than treasured gifts of every individual. Sounds very very "Moral Science" bookish?
But I did believe in it -one hundred percent. However, I will not claim that I do now. Moving in life, a lot of things/instances/people,blatantly, and even more such, silently, have created this sense of cynicism in me and often I start wondering if I am still too naive,believing what I used to, or am I street smart enough. Am I making myself too vulnerable to someone, is the person's intentions genuine or not.
At work, it gets manifested in a very high capacity, less from me, than by the Big Man at work who can pass as an epitome of mistrusting people. But the fact remains that if he is like this, it may be the result of his experiences too. Ditto for so many of us.But one's behavior to others, one's experiences notwithstanding,I am sure that a basic expectation/hope that each of us subconsciously cherishes is that I am trusted by others..that I don't appear to just be "Too good to be true", posing the more pertinent and action oriented question before me- Can I do the same to others? Can I shed my cynicism and barriers of trust and behave with others how I wish they do with me? Can I begin by trusting ?

Not that I know the answer, but the fact that I have been on both sides , and a lot of us would associate that with the process called 'growing up' and becoming prepared for the world.
However,the little girl in me still thinks- the world after all, is made by us and we can make it So good that it is true

Being a Woman

2009-05-31T10:29:00.002+05:30

With Elections over and the almost anti-climatic end (after so much that the Media spent on discussing the possibilities of elections this time around), what I find interesting is the current speculation of whether India will have its first woman speaker. The talk is that the lady from Bihar, a former Civil Servant, Meira Kumar, is the most likely candidate, and the Dy Speaker chair also might find a lady in its place, Sumitra Mahajan from the opposition. Why I find this interesting is that with so much as more than 50 years of Independence behind us, and our proof to not only the sub-continent but also the world, that we are a successful democracy, we have not been democratic even in the positons of power. To our diverse nation, what keeps making headlines is the differential treatment being met on the lines of caste, region and religion, but we have conveniently been ignoring another dividing line: that of gender bias.We still count One Indira Gandhi, one Sonia or Pratibha, one Sarojini Naidu, or now one Meira Kumar. I know that there is always a first time, but I believe for a country like ours, the first time has come so late in most things, and definitely is no where in the scene when one actually goes into the interactions in daily life, that its almost a shame to be calling ourselves a "Democracy" with so much pride.

Well, I dont intend to start a feminist movement, but of late there is something that I have been realising that is making me respect myself more and I think it is to do with Being a Woman.

Deja-vu & Question Marks

2009-05-08T22:46:00.005+05:30

Back to blogging,for the person whose Kaleidoscope wants Mercury to keep the momentum going,and most importantly the header is the phrase she used for what my life currently is :" Deja vu"

However, the post has nothing to do with Deja Vu,but what comes after that.

My laptop (and Gtalk ) status summarises my present perfectly:

"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you; It is when you dont understand yourself."
or at least some aspects about yourself, like, what is the reason you are still single??

And so I started gathering some opinion/reflections from my friends-old and new(for perspective of the change I have undergone) and well-wishers.
The observations of people ended up becoming more thought provoking than decision enabling and deserve to make an appearance on my treasured blog

P.S: Hope my friends dont mind my posting these without taking their permission,but if anyone does, I sincerely apologise, because the intent is in no way to belittle ,instead its almost a dedication to all those who love me enough to help me find why some others dont :)

1- "You make a very good friend but somewhere you lack what most men,consciously or sub-consciously,like- 'the feminine mystique'..."

2- "You are ..what is the word for it..boisterous..and so come across as someone who is good to spend time chatting with or hanging out with..period.."

3- " ...it appears that you are too good..as in you have a lot of qualities & talents better than a lot of us..multi-faceted..and hence capable of giving people around you some kind of a complex.."

4- "...men cannot handle women who are smart,funny,intelligent and successful-too good a package in a gal- and so they just get intimidated or awed.. thats what it is"

5- "Men like to find in their woman, things different from themselves, one of that being,taking a lot of care to look good, that is something which may appear as what you dont do, pay attention to or take effort to look good...though you should take this with a pinch of salt, it is very relative..."

6-" Your nature is such that you make men very comfortable in opening up and talking, something that most of them are not accustomed to doing..hence in their mind you are the 'female friend they like to share things with/talk to' and for men,that category is very different from the romantic one"

7- " ..You are simple at heart,but give the perception of being a Drama Queen & too complicated and want others to see you as someone who 'thinks' a lot , though you arent that at the core..this complex part puts off men"

8- "..Its not something IN you, its ABOUT you - you choose to pay more attention to people who dont care much for you, than people who do..the reason you choose such people and then the outcome ..thats the only common link -CHOICE.."

9- " Just get out of that place...so that you stop thinking like this and asking such things!!"

There are comments/opinions here that I agree with , some I dont and some I have never considered about myself. But the most pertinent part remains that my friends have such varied opinions about who I am, and what I appear as. People who know me so well and know the same things about me, end up drawing their own conclusion about me...and so does their opinion about what appeals to the species called :men.

Is it even possible to ever be objective about something when dealing with human beings, because thats what it finally ends up being- somebody's personal opinion, tempered by their experiences,rationalisations and interpretations. Are situations and experiences mutually exclusive of each other or there is a common link that needs to be understood.And so, to what extent should one try to fathom all of these and take decisions that are most practical in their impact ,and cause the least amount of hurt and pain..??

I wish to find an answer...wish to be able to get some way of letting THIS Deja-vu not repeat ...ever again...

Darare darare hain maathe pe maula..Marammad mukaddar ki kar do maula

2009-04-21T23:15:00.004+05:30

Arziyan main chehre pe likhke laya hun..
Tumse kya mangu..tum khud hi samajh lo

Maula maula maula mere maula
Darare darare hain maathe pe maula
Marammad mukaddar ki kardo maula

Jo bhi tera dar aaya, jhukne jo sar aaya

Mastiyan piye sabko jhumta nazar aaya

Pyaas leke aya tha dariya woh bhar laya
Noor ki baarish mein bheegta sa tar aaya

Tutke bikharna mujhko zaroor aata hai
Par na ibadat wala shaur aata hai
Sajde mein rehne do
Ab kahin na jaunga
Ab jo tumne thukraya, toh sabar na paunga

Maula maula maula mere maula
Darare darare hain maathe pe maula
Marammad mukaddar ki kardo maula

Sar uthake maine toh kitni khwahishen ki thi
Kitte khwab dekhe the, kitni koshishen ki thi
Jab tu ru-ba-ru aya, nazren na mila paya
Sar jhuka ke ek pal mein, maine kya nahi paya

Maula maula maula maula
Maula maula maula mere maula..............

Change

2009-04-05T00:59:00.001+05:30

I have often been told that "Change is the law of nature" and accepting change quickly and easily is the best thing to do.But the true sense of this saying has come home to me,as a striking realisation,only now.
What happens when one has to accept that the most crucial and impactful change has to be made within..when the traits that you have almost loved yourself for, appear to be your most profound weaknesses?the ones that cause the most hurt and pain..to others,but more dangerously to you?
Despite few emotionally traumatising phases or instances in my life, I have always believed that its those very emotions I am capable of feeling to a sane degree of intensity,that have helped me take on whatever has come my way.I have always derived a certain "strength" from people and my relationships with them, most of all friends, which for me form a motley group, and, it is knowing and being a part of all these differences, variety in thought, opinions, feelings and action,that lends me an important part of my character. The conviction that people who matter to me deserve more than a fair share of my time, energy and involvement, has always defined me.And it even goes beyond- to whatever activity I like, appreciate or idealise-to places-and the combination of all these as 'moments' to cherish.

But when I look back at my life, or at the part I would call "adult life", I once in a while do wonder,if what I am , my core personality has not just added but multiplied the instances of grief, hurt and misunderstandings. Has it been for most of these parts my over-involvement,over-emotional internalisation leading to unwanted quanta of enthusiasm and unfair set of expectations from people or situations that matter to me?
Have I been the creator of the "befriend- emotionally invest/invlove-expect-be disappointed" cycle and thus been disappointed and hurt endlessly, from day to day affairs to matters of greater consequence?
And after a fair degree of such wondering and in effect rationalising, the answers come close to a "Yes" to "All of the above": Very very difficult to accept but probably the truth - the big truth that thence requires a stronger and more wilfull change. One that points all its fingers to one word "Detachment" -from people, their thoughts and lives,from relationships, from work, from feelings, from happiness as much as from grief...
May be this is why they preach Nirvana, because they know, howsoever tough it is for a human being to 'handle' pain, it is tougher not to let it 'affect' you in the first place,and toughest not to feel it at all.

But I shall try..and I have started already...

After all..
"Jeene ke liye, socha hi nahi, dard uthane honge
Muskuraye toh muskurane ke karz utarne honge
Muskarao kabhi toh lagta hai
Jaise hoton pe karz rakha hai..."

The Mail-box memories

2009-03-06T22:21:00.001+05:30

With the intention of finding some document, I started looking through some of my really old mails in gmail, when I chanced upon some mail written while we (Dada,Pandeji,Jai,Manghani and I)were planning for some trip during exchange- the october of 2006. One mail lead to another, as I read every single of them, going from Oldest>>Newer one after the other.Of bookings made in hostels of Europe to back at MDI, to the more painful post-MDI mails.

Truly, going down memory lane felt like a roller coaster ride, where tears,a big content smile and a hearty laugh were punctuated freely one after the other.Mails from friends, now so distant,some geographically,some emotionally,transporting me to a time and place where there were no distances, when there was no such realisation of a future so different.Words that spoke of bonds so beautifully made during those days- the "exchange experience" and the special close-knit circle(and innumerable truth and dare sessions) it resulted in,the simple innocent expressions of a genuine friend(and I was thrilled when Harshit called today and we could reminisce that),the post MDI mail fever between Cutu(Neetisha) n Billu(thats me) and the life at MDI so perfectly summarised in Rohit's poem "Yaad ata hai mujhko" (wish I had the copyright to post it here!).

If there was one moment given to me at the present, to talk to God, I know what I would want to thank him/her for...as for now, I shall contend myself by expressing sincere gratitude to the makers of email and the immense "memory" it lends :)

How satisfied are we?

2009-03-01T23:28:00.006+05:30

Why has it been such a long time since I have posted anything on my blog?
For some reason(or a host of reasons), almost unknown to me till a few days back, I have been feeling a numbness within me - so to say- and if I were to describe the month of Feb 09,I would use just one word for it- PASSIVE.So I have not been involved much in any action that requires active thinking/expressing- be it reading, sketching, dancing or even talking(where I have been wanting to listen instead of my usual talking)and which means apart from work,all that I have done is mindless passive things-watching movies/sitcoms,cooking,cleaning & eating a lot of medicines.
And while it took me some time to realise all this,and then try hard(and make some other unfortunate people also be party to this trying) and figure out the reason(s) for all of this,I had a very good slice of a conversation with the Big-man-at-work.Obviously the timing was such,it being a month end and nearing year end,that it was more or less bound to be a string of caustic words,but after I hung up, my mind became a little active in racing across times and instances in life, to put all those things that I have done till now(I would refrain from calling them achievements yet)under one roof of "DO they make me feel really satisfied with myself"?

There can be two parts to each of the Binary answers 1-0:
1 (YES):
a) Definitely meaning that I am quite an achiever in life at the age of 25 and hence should feel happy about this and continue this streak
b) I have under estimated my capabilities and over emphasised all such "achievements" either because of the glorification by people around me or as a gradually built self uplifting method.

0 (NO):
a) Whatever people/institutions have to say about these triumphs(if at all), I am not
convinced because I can see them in perspective with so much more and meaningful that 25 year-olds across the globe seem to have achieved.
b) I have completely misplaced understanding of my abilities and intelligence, that arehighly over-rated by me(inlcuding others) and so nothing I do seems to match up to what I see myself doing.

Despite looking at both these aspects,I was also left wondering (coming back to the Big-man-at-work's acerbic words),how often a thought/action gives one a sense of accomplishment,but when no one beside oneself (or a couple of others) can see it in the same light,the lack of appreciation or even acknowledgement diminishes the entire effect? Or am I just incapable of seeing any action in totality unless a judgement is pronounced on it- by others or/and at least by me?When I respect so much of the complexity and mystical delight of the "grey areas" of life, am I also tempted to put everything in Black and White? Leave or take? Criticism or
Appreciation?
Now, the flip side to all these arguments that have been making me want to tear my hair off(and I have been controlling,lest these fast depleting resources be torn off in a second),is the pressure of conclusion making it sometimes leaves one with...and the bigger question that poses its head making all conclusions difficult-
Do we have the intention/capacity to judge ourselves or our actions?

One more wicket down!

2009-02-14T18:41:00.001+05:30

So finally the shaadi that all of us, cousins, were so excited about, which we made our Di from US stay back for [much against our Jiju's wishes ;) ]- Devla weds Amritesh "sampann hui" (Had to write this in Hindi for the desired effect).One more wicket down!

All the excitement which the very first day of Feb had heralded with it, reached its peak, when I boarded the train for Chennai on 7th,so full of enthusiasm, that my heart already was flying to the destination of all the ceremonies,much before the train-flight-flight journey could carry me there physically.A good night-out in Chennai on the 7th notwithstanding, I felt very fresh, when I saw my cousin Abhra at the Calcutta airport in the wee hours of 8th, while we together covered the last lap of our journey from Cal to Patna. How amazing it was to see the entire "kutumb" especially all the cousins together, someone busy with her Mehndi, someone chatting away to glory, others trying to remember a befitting "Mehndi" song- Ah! I felt I am back to "humanity" and "society". The next 48 hours (almost exact) were a blast, needless to say. I had all the "shaadi ka fun", what with all the dressing up, singing, dancing(The Major draw for me was the Sangeet Ceremony, especially as I finally fulfilled one of my long pending wishes to wear an Anarkali Suit and look tolerably presentable in it),ceremonies' knowledge induction(I am still very ignorant about all of them) and meeting Jijaji.

But amidst all the fun and frolic, I couldnt help but feel a sense of being a misfit,and the realisation was very unsettling. How much can I ever accept all the traditions involved, without genuinely being surprised at how dated,impractical and patriarchal they are.And of course, the entire gamut of all the ceremonies and celebrations that look very inviting and enjoyable,but involve so much of thankless event management by the bride's family, especially parents, not to forget the vulgar amount of money that gets spent in the process (and I cannot for the life of me understand or rather accept why it has to be borne by the bride/her family only, when it is both the sides that are party to the institution of marriage). As I kept "tea-coffee"ing my halucinated and completely sleep induced mind to remain awake through my 20 hour journey back to my solitary base, these thoughts kept coming back to me to jolt me into what now scarily looks to be quite an interesting and rocky future for me :P

B'Day 09

2009-02-01T18:38:00.000+05:30

My Birthday 2009 was a mix of one of the most horrendous and difficult 24hours and as far as I can remember one of the few days where I have been made to feel so special.
However, for both, and f0r the completely unexpected but very touching and sweet gestures of all the people,directly and indirectly responsible, this birthday will always go down as a very special one.

The sorry state of affairs in India

2009-01-19T13:55:00.002+05:30

After watching the movie Shubhas Chandra Bose on TV yesterday, I was discussing with one of my friends about the role women played in the INA formed under Rashbihari & Shubhas Chandra Bose.
From the link below, what can be felt is too strong a grief to write about :
http://www.hinduonnet.com/thehindu/thscrip/print.pl?file=2008083150170500.htm&date=2008/08/31/&prd=mag&

A gesture to remember

2009-01-17T20:30:00.005+05:30

This post comes because of someone's suggestion, but the incident it is about,is one that truly touched my heart.

Actually in more ways than one, today has been a good day- I got a very heartening news about a friend and the final seal on Dad buying a new car (nagging really helps sometimes!).
Now there is something I have never understood- how do people always understand whenever I am not well- both in the way I answer my phone (as is claimed by one and all) or as happened today in my depot- the "dullness" on my face ! I would like to believe that I do not take myself too seriously, and such 'vulnerably embarassing' incidents always put me on an unsure foot. So coming back to today at office (which is the C& F -Carrying & Forwarding- area of biscuits). To everyone I 'looked dull and defintely unwell' .The lady who assists me in 'Information Management' at work -my Depot MIS(thats what she is officially called),Anandi, went home as usual for lunch, but came back with a bag in her hand, containing freshly prepared "rasam,rice,chutney, vegetable and aplam". This was because Rasam is supposedly helpful in cold, and would help soothe my throat (which was going hoarse with my incessant coughing since morning). At the risk of not matching up to expressing what I actually felt at that moment, I would put some words to it-I was absolutely,deeply, touched by this sweet gesture-something so commonplace as a supposed cold/fever to be rewarded with such a thoughtful act, made me truly feel special. And I thanked God in all sincerity, for all such pleasantly surprising support that I have,in my current loner-like existence.

P.S: While penning this down, I noticed "Jodha Akhbar" on TV on a Tamil Channel, but on 'um-muting' it,I was shocked to hear Hrithik speak such flawless Tamil- well, why was I even surprised ;)

Ek aur khayal..

2009-01-10T22:58:00.000+05:30

Saath nahi rehne se rishte nahi tuta karte,

Waqt ki dhund se lamhe nahi chhuta karte,

Log kehte hain mera sapna tut gaya,

Tuti hai neend, sapne nahi tuta karte...

Welcoming 2009

2009-01-05T17:53:00.004+05:30

A very Happy New Year to all..and me..

It was a special New Year's eve celebration this time, alone at my place in Madurai. I did the small things that I felt like doing - from wearing the clothes i havent worn since my France visit, enjoying watching kids performing in a dance competition in my colony, dancing to some of my favorite numbers, reading " The Fountainhead", attending phone calls(some from unexpected people)and cutting a cake at the exact moment of the clock chimming 12.

But I think the best thing about ushering in this new year was the reminiscing I did, and how it made me feel- The difference between the New Year eve of 2007, 2008 and now 2009- from the overwhelming feeling of loss and pain to an unsaid unwritten but purely felt joy - not with the world around but the world within, the realisation of something about myself which I had never expected or credited myself to possess in this intensity- strength-conceivable in all possible dimensions and expressions.

It had nothing to do with a better future being expected, but the absolute realisation of today's existence and the sheer human capacity to live both by seizing the moment: CARPE DIEM

I just pray this graph continues with the same slope...in my mind at least... :)

Kya baat hai..

2008-12-07T20:01:00.002+05:30

An SMS that was sent by Vaishali few days back, that I really liked:

Kitabon ke panno ko palat ke sochti hun
Yun palat jaye zindagi meri toh kya baat hai

Khwabon mein mujhe har roz milta hai jo
Hakeeqat mein mil jaye toh kya baat hai

Kucch log matlab ke liye dhundte hain mujhe
Bin matlab jo koi aaye toh kya baat hai

Katal karke toh sab le jayenge dil mera
Koi baaton se le jaye toh kya baat hai

Apne rehne tak toh khushi main dungi sabko
Gar kisi ko meri maut ke bad bhi khushi mil jaye toh kya baat hai

India's encounter with Terror

2008-11-30T16:20:00.004+05:30

Nothing can be said about the Bombay terror attack that would be enough to explain or describe the gruesome incident. The sheer audacity of the terrorists to lay out such a well thought out plan in action in the financial capital of the country is more agitating than anything else.Sadly one realises that in the past half year, the number of such incidents and the speed of their moving closer to one's doorstep has been on a continuous rise, and unfortunately has kind of made us (and I do not want to look at the government /politicians as a separate body here) - "complacent" towards them.
That 60 odd hours of horror,blood,fight and counter-fight on the streets of a democratic nation,has to be witnessed,that a constant coverage by the media ( whether true to the spirit of media or sensationalist cannot be commented in this sensitive time), that a fleeing of the visiting England team (when a day before it was our Indian cricketers refusing to tour Pakistan for the same reason), that a 'demonsatrtion by the Bombay-ites protesting against the government' and several such blog posts,citizen comments and media bytes would RESULT in anything, still needs to be seen.And it is here that the agitation and restlessness within every individual may not get a positive, collective, solution- oriented vent if not channelised properly.
Two nights of sleepless helplessness,shock and grief has left me so disturbed that it is difficult to imagine how the people caught in the midst of it all would have handled it. And what infuriated me further, was the way the Media and guests invited to join their discussions kept mentioning the "Spirit of Bombay"- Is there truly any "Spirit" that is being glorified here, does any Bombay-ite - socialite, hawker or service personnel have any other option??? Do the citizens of the country, be it a Delhi witnessing blasts or a Jaipur temple being targeted, or a series of blasts haunting Assam, have an option but to resume their daily life- either as a submission to the 'practical requirements of life' or 'the inevitability of it all with no solution ever coming since time immemorial'?! To make it a feel good
factor by calling it the SPIRIT of Bombay,is using the people's tenacity or helplessness as an easy veil
to hide behind..and not something I as a citizen would want to allow.
I still wish I knew what is to be done- not just the resignation of a Union Minister, not just a strategic "Crisis Management Cell" or a "RAW & Counter Terrorism Cell" but a committed, collective STRONG indication to nip this ruthless terrorising in the bud, and find a Solution to the misplaced mindset of these people( Even as a person belonging to a similar age group as the perpetrators of this crime, I was just not able to understand what would or could make them internalise terror to the extent of brutally spattering it around)
As my brain refuses to stop thinking about it, and my heart feels immensely grief-stricken, I hope that as I battle all of this with my day-to-day demand of job and life (to sell biscuits even on a Sunday because of the corporate target pressure), and as each of us would be forced to, this time around a solution be found, and personal prioirities do not push the complacency back to the forefront.

Ye kaisa rang hai?

2008-11-13T22:56:00.003+05:30

And I cannot help but wonder why anyone would 'color' me "Mercury"..........................

Moment of Cricket for India...and me

2008-11-13T20:47:00.001+05:30

This post comes two days late, but that is what my Data Card, that refused to work for these two days,decided...

Monday the 10th was a very moving "cricket" moment for me,after quite a long time,after we won the T20 World Cup I would say.As Harbhajan pulled out the wicket,displaying the passionate acknowledgement of winning a series that not only was pronounced as the "Battle of Life between Titans" but had created a frenzy, even bigger than an India-Pakistan series (as even MSD stated),it was a feeling of deep pride and satisfaction sinking in.And what a way to bring back the Border-Gavaskar Cup after 5 long years...what a sweeping off of the series with 2-0 and a good 172 runs win in the second test. But the moment that brought tears to my eyes, was when MSD motioned Kumble to join him in holding the Cup-befittingly so- and few moments later, Bhajji and Ishaan lifted Dada from the field into the dressing room. The fact that two legends had announced their signing off from the game, the reality that never would I be able to see my favorite bowler in his controlled passion take a wicket and humbly smile, or the skipper I rate as THE Indian to introduce aggression into the players of cricket (before which the spectators definitely beat them to it!) swerve the ball past surprised fielders to the boundary, hit me hard.
I was reminded of how these legends in a way defined that stage of my life, during my schooling years, when I was a cricket crazed fan, and in a way their moving away made that tense reality come closer home: of my growing old :)

Jane woh kaise log the

2008-11-09T01:30:00.003+05:30

Jane woh kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila
Humne toh jab kaliyan mangi, kanton ka haar mila

Bichhad gaya har saathi de kar pal do pal ka saath
Kisko fursat hai jo thame deewano ka haath
Hum ko apna saya tak,aksar bezaar mila
Humne toh jab kaliyan mangi, katon ka haar mila
Jane woh kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila

Isko hi jeena kehte hain toh,yun hi jee lenge
Uff na karenge,lab see lenge,ansoo pi lenge
Ghum se ab ghabrana kaisa...Ghum sau baar mila

Humne toh jab kaliyan mangi, katon ka haar mila
Jane woh kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila

Centre Stage

2008-11-02T23:21:00.001+05:30

Saw the movie "Centre stage" today - about Ballet Dance
Till date a movie about dance has never failed to stand a place in my good opinion. The sheer ecstasy,that just watching a dance -even on celluloid packed in a Laptop screen- can bring is unparalleled.The grace of the moves, the poise, the harmony and the almost ethereal delight which the dancers (Actors) displayed was so moving.
And somehow, I was reminded of my first childhood dream- of becoming a dancer/choreographer...may be I still keep it tucked away in that corner of my heart,which has managed to remain unsoiled by the burden of prosaicness and worldliness..and which my "heart-over-head yet middle class" persona would hopefully someday transform into something meaningful: may be opening a dance school - even if not in a teacher's capacity.
I must admit, after watching that movie I could not stop myself from shaking a leg or two...if only this one thing that gives me so much joy could become everything for me..if only I could dance my way through life..if only I could Dance till I die..
and dance alone could become the "Centre Stage" of my life..........

Diwali at the doorstep::celebrations around::??within

2008-10-26T20:47:00.001+05:30

While I was returning from Chennai last evening, was wondering how beautiful the sky would look if one landed on the day of Diwali, with crackers adorning the sky- and as I neared Madurai, I was lucky to behold the scene- the city resplendent with lights and the skies offering themselves for visually captivating celebration of the festival of lights- this view from the flight- breathtaking..I have always believed, that the joy brought by festivities, is one of its kind- unparalleled in its simplicity, though associated with numerous complicated rituals - be it purchasing something two days before Diwali on Dhanteras(which for all all my efforts I have failed to, this year) or the correct method of Puja for the particular Festival.
It has been five years that I have been home to celebrate Diwali with my family- though I would not say that time has helped in mitigating the "need to celebrate" the authentic way, but yes when I was almost alone on Diwali in France, the year before last, the feeling was reduced with no body around knowing about the importance of the day- all we did was do a minor puja and cook a range of dishes, an aid in imagining we were a tag bit closer to India. Last year too there were four of us, caught in Bangalore and at the nth moment an invitation from a very senior person at work- one of our colleague's bosses, made the Diwali such an amazingly "close-to-home" feel with all the puja and delicious food. However, this year has not been great till now-though with my cousin Abhu coming tomorrow from Blore, has kindled a tiny ray of hope. It was almost a self hate feeling, when day before yesterday, while wishing everyone in office at Chennai and seeing the delight on people's faces, of going back to a home to enjoy the weekend and the festivity, I felt suddenly so much at a loss- almost deadened inside. Even after I am back at Madurai,and continue the 'novel reading-movies/sitcom watching-phone conversation-dancing/sketching' way of enjoying my own company on a Sunday, the crackling sound outside accompanied by the delighted shrieks of kids, and the aroma of festival goodies being fried, I somehow feel very very alone..unable to rationalise being here ..and grappling at finding something that stops my dangerous acquaintance "tears" from commencing their descent..
But to all of you having a good Diwali- the likes of my married batchmates celebrating their first "married diwali"-or most of the others who are at home:
May the lights herald a new beginning
Of joys untold and unimagined
Of Success,Health and Prosperity
And peace of mind to enjoy it all

Wishing all of you and your families,
A VERY HAPPY and SAFE DEEPAWALI.

P-A-R-E-N-T-S

2008-10-12T19:16:00.000+05:30

It is when you are almost convinced you are completely in control of your emotions, that an unimaginable, unexplained surge of pain ,sometimes in the form of tears, or even the heaviness that seems to pull your heart down to your very toe, belittles your emotional confidence.
Almost six years have passed, since I first left home, to explore the environs outside the cushiony walls of parental care, to pursue higher education.Back then, it was some kind of force that propelled me to take such a decision, and more importantly, live by it. Despite every such motivating pull,I was a home-sick kid, who shed tears every time I left home after the vacation. As wise people say, these are symtoms of most children,when they leave home for the first time, and things always mellow down, once a 'home away from home' is found in the golden relationship called "friendship". Ditto for me.In fact, B-School provided me much more than I ever expected-may be dangerously so-.

But when day before yesterday, the train that was to take my parents to Chennai, from where they were to move to Ranchi, started to pull away, I felt that upsurge of painful realisation that their five day trip was over, of having to walk into an empty house again, of dancing my way to cooking (to force myself to enjoy it)- and all of this just melted into tears that started rolling down as if they would never stop. Every step I took towards the exit of the platform was as if with the heaviest stone tied to my foot.The comfort and warmth exuded by the sheer presence of family, of parents, that can never really be substituted,that dissolves all the confused feelings of frustration and irritation that a day's work may bring on,or blooms a good piece of work into a lilly,when it might just be a colourful leaf, by the appreciation showered by them(which the Boss may never come around to do) - in short- the all encompassing feeling of emotional security.However, I wonder how many times one has the courage to mention this to the people who make it happen for us..to express how much it means to have our parents enquire about our day/week,their genuine interest in the mundane to the significant, anything to do with' us';while we act pricy by giving abridged versions of our stories, or hold conversations with a "I know it all" attitude when discussing something important...of how much a single pat on the head, or one bear hig, means a world of happiness that one may shy away from ever accepting..
I hope to do it well and good, some day...soon
While for now- here I am alone again, spending my Sunday with a lappie gorging on the 3rd season of "How I met your Mother" and the muted television in the background,an artificial semblance of company at home!!

Musings on a Sunday afternoon

2008-09-21T19:12:00.003+05:30

My Sunday afternoon naps usually are very abrupt and fraught with lot of unrelated incidents dancing around each other as if celebrating the connections, that only my subconscious mind has been privileged with the capability to derive.

So was today, almost like a roller coaster ride, just like this month till now has been- a pendulum-like travel between extremes- when I started the month with quite a disaster at work questioning my self-defined abilities and the like, but was in a way surprised by help that poured in, as some was totally from unexpected quarters.But my first Sunday was graced with a trip that gave me those very precious and seldom experienced "Moment" of sheer unadulterated and pure Joy- the breeziness associated with being in a dream- when I stood in front of the Athirapally Falls (near Cochin)- with that wide expanse and beam of water powerfully hitting the river below, and standing some metres away from it, on a slippery rock, I could feel every sinew and tip of my body drenched with the watery wind.Just did not feel like returning from there, but good things come to an end, all too soon, so did the Sunday, and the week ensued with more work and official visits of people to Madurai. However, my long awaited and looked forward to holiday was still there- my Pune Bombay visit.

Well, I was tipped that my holiday may get cancelled, since it was timed ill with a certain crucial decision at work- but thankfully (at least for once I can thank) it was not cancelled, and as I boarded the flight to Bombay, the last phone call from the all-to-be at work did make me realise the holiday is going to be quite a lot like "work from home", but I didnt mind. I landed at the Bombay airport, and henceforth till I reached Dadar to take the bus to Pune, I was on the crucial call- my heart was racing inside me as I forced my brain to hear every golden word being discussed between the big brains of TN. The bus journey to Pune was also, a miniature of "work while travel and anticipations to meet Deepti after a year"- and what a feeling it was to see her when her Swift came to pick me up near Parihar Chowk. From then on, the three days that followed, were bliss, especially after Verma and Dada joined us. Our Lonavla trip- the beauty around (reminding me of Europe a bit), the Vada Pav (what a relief to eat that again) at Joshi Vadawala's- the drive with the drizzle that made it heavenly,the getting wet- literally drenched at the Bushi Dam, and finally figuring out a way to get the Walnut Fudge from Coopers!! Watching Rock On with four others who had already seen it, especially Sourab who was watching it the thrid time (trust his taste to like that movie so much!!) and the "bakar at CCD" college ishtyle that followed it.

But the last leg of the trip was a little disappointing with the Ganpathy visarjan making me immobile in Bombay and I not being able to meet Harshit and Deepu, whom I was really looking forward to paying a visit to.The trip was an eye opener for me, in many ways that I can express in a partially public forum like this, of the minor realisations (or rather re-realisations) of what I am missing out by leading this all-alone life to the first hand gruelling truth of what our country is moving to - almost making me dreadfully draw a parallel to the novel i was reading then - The Kite Runner- and the country it is set in- if this is what India is choosing for its future, I do not know how long I can sit in inaction in the niche cage of a managerial position of corporate India.

Return to work after that has been a further drawing away from the happy state of being- how attempts at rationalisation and professional(read joyless stone-like) behavior can keep failing unless the spark of self motivation tugs one on. And I have been forced to wonder time and again, if work in itself is a dampener for all- that there cannot be anything as "complete job satisafction" or that I am somehow a misfit in this "corporate culture". The other day I made a colleague of mine the victim of my discomfort and bad mood, which made me introspect later, that when have the tide of things changed so much that I expose my inner feelings so seamlessly to people around,occupying a vulnerable space- or was I always like this, albeit in a much safer and placented zone among friends and well-wishers, and it is only now that I feel like a lost child out in the open??!! Such are the wanderings of my subconcious mind during Sunday afternoon naps...but another Sunday is about to get over soon....I better catch up on something interesting...apart from my list of phonecalls [Thank God I have friends who keep calling me up often :) ]

Like Shivi of 2005 wrote these

2008-09-03T21:59:00.005+05:30

"Ankhon mein jiske koi to khwab hai..

khush hai wohi jo thoda betaab hai...

Zindagi mein koi arzoo kijiye...

Phir Dekhiye

Hoton pe jiske..koi toh geet hai..

woh hare bhi toh uski hi jeet hai...

Dil mein jo geet hai..gunguna lijiye..

Phir Dekhiye

2008-08-31T20:53:00.002+05:30

Great line from FRIENDS (Phoebe again - the character I identify most with)- "People would believe anything you tell them, as long as it is a compliment"

I have still not managed to use the learning from this line: false compliments are still not my cuppa tea

RAJ giri@ Bachna Ae Haseeno

2008-08-25T00:29:00.001+05:30

Saw Bachna Ae Haseeno...in Chennai..
Really irked me..in more ways than one- may be it was the over simplified manner of "sinning- realising-asking forgiveness-being redeemed" drama that made me almost smirk with the smugness that "I know it does not end that well in real life" .The swelling up resentment against the character of Ranbir kapur-aka Raj (how the namesake is morally-or rather amorally-different from the predecessor SRK Raj of Yashraj films!), the frivolity of treating another human being's feelings, almost making me realise I was not hating him alone,rather seeing the reflection of something, or somebody in his character.
But i wonder how film makers can make a genuinely potential story for understanding the web of human emotions and feelings,almost a fable- with divine justice being met out to the boy who breaks hearts of women- calling it "Killer Raj giri" , to finally end up in love with a woman, who would refuse to have him, because she is living to an ideal image of a superwoman(I now wonder how stringent is the 'academic rigor' in an Australian B-School, to leave so much time for multiple jobs!), whose scheme of things do not leave space for a man/marriage.
It pained me to see how anybody could show a man who has wronged/caused so much hurt to two women, have the audacity to believe that a mere begging for forgiveness & the sorries of the world, would set things right or turn the course of events that happened in the past. To me,it appeared only a selfish act of seeking redemption when there cannot be any because the person who has been hurt can never get that unhurt feeling or the unchanged future back. May be Mahi was plain lucky (it being a movie) to have a husband whom she deserved more than the guy who she loved and was cheated by, but not everyone who does not have the influence of such an optimistic Director would have that luck. (Btw Kunal Kapur, even in the turban, was a treat to watch- simply because his acting outshone everybody else's , especially the atrocious lip & teeth gritting dialogue delivery of Mimisha Lamba)
Though the character of Raj does philosophise in the end about " The past being something you cannot change, but the future finally depending on what you do Today" , i walked out of the cinema hall with an unsettling feeling -how much does the future actually remain unaffected by such a painful past.
No answers...and i know why..may be i am taking it too personally ...or may be i know "being there", and wishing i had a Kunal Kapur to look forward to :P

The first penned thoughts

2008-08-19T23:12:00.003+05:30

Months of brooding depression
Living with only An impression
The voice, the touch, the sheer presence
Whatever was spoken and its essence

Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start

Every object reminds me of him
A song, a place, a photo becomes a pain
Hope keeps struggling with the truth of fact
Memories complicate the present with the past

Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start

Love I never thought I was capable of
Big words: Loyalty, Devotion and thereof
Ideas of Romanticism all that were
Never thought a man could fit with them there

But I did fall in love as I call it
Found it through friendship as I knew it
Ended up with such a big Investment
Every sinew still cries Commitment

Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start

The bane of loving without reciprocation
Yet that exists with no replication
When Friendship is lost and all communication
It’s alive in my soul, beyond comprehension

Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start

But living alone for a while now
I have gotten used to that fate somehow
New melodies have begun to attract me
And lives of other people occupy me

I want to bring love back in my life
Someone who’s meant to be by my side
I am ready for a risk again
Hoping to find a balm to my pain

Yes, Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start
But how does it matter
I can faintly hear my heart singing
One ending’s enough for another beginning

Created on 12/18/2007 8:44:00 PM

And begin it did, I took the risk again
But what a balm was it to my pain!
A friendship between people so alike
That blossomed well and everything felt so right

Something seemed to be born in my very heart
Yet I couldn’t figure again when it did start

From brief talks to long discussions
Every topic somehow became a conversation
What kept getting longer were our phone sessions
And those hourly updates with the S-M-S function

Something seemed to be born in my heart
I couldn’t figure out its very start

But as the famous saying goes "Somethings never change"
Be it my luck or the pain of being again alone
To relive any such experience seems dreadful now
And yet voices in my head shout aloud
Parents, friends, relatives who do not know
That a relationship is as scary as desirable for me now...

Wish could turn back time and change
The past that lurks loomingly on the safety of the present
And someday live the dreams I cherished
Find love, that lasts and grows by the day.................

The rest Created on 20/04/2008 7:00 PM

Our trip: Kodai and Munar it was...

2008-08-18T22:25:00.009+05:30

So the one thing I had been looking for, from the time I have been in Madurai, is also finally over.
After about 2 weeks of being posted in Madurai, Sourav, Srinivasan and I had started planning for the 15th August weekend trip, and zeroed in on Kodaikanal. Well, beyond that I should not be taking the credit for any planning because right from the task of bookings to the tougher one of convincing people (which included starting an email chain with bollywood ishtyle dramatic lines of : "at the crossroads of life.."), and enthusing the mailing list individuals, was shared majorly between Sourav and Srini. I remember how in the usual hectic work day , I waited to open gmail at the end of the day, or sometimes during it, to read some comment that someone interested in the plan has left.
In a way, I was apprehensive about the trip right from the beginning, because in a way, everyone had been in touch with each other after we had passed out in 12th, everyone had been meeting each other on and off- I was the person who had not only left the place physically , but somehow also lost touch with most (Sourav being my sole point of contact with their lives at least)- and i was feeling like i would do a mini Prodigal returning through this trip.
After about two and a half months of planning, we had 7 people finalised for the trip, and 5 people finally being able to make it ( Our very own over burdened Indian railways did not help much resulting in the absence of the other two, who remained Wait Listed on the train and ..the trip).
And the three days thence- from the night out bakars- i was surprised we did open up despite the time gap, all at once- to the travel time singing (or call it producing entertaining noise) , from Kodai to Munar- to the fireplace talks in our beautiful (over big for the final number) cottage, and palm reading in half consciousness- shouting "Rooock Ooon" at the echo point as if trying to leave a mark: we came, we shouted and echoed- it was FUN all the way.We also did manage to have really intense conversation and discussion on issues that plagued us all (the quantum varying for each)- the social obligations of dowry and rituals involved in marriage, the burden of being the " generation in flux" that is neither here nor there on most matters of such social consequences, where an individual desires change but is caught in the complicated web of how to bring it about.
But the Highest point of my trip (the question that Amol posed at me during our 'spin the bottle' game) was when while walking through the most important tourist attraction places in Kodai, called Coakers Walk, we ended up singing (all too loudly), all the TV serial/soap Title tracks of our childhood, the few but memorable ad jingles of the time, the shloka of the Mahabharata and the famous(even enacted by Srini and Sriram at the point) scene from Shaktiman...we were just short of earning money, and as Dad suggested later, we shouldve utilised it for funding some part of our trip :P
Notwithstanding the Post trip blues and almost paralysing effect of the memories on work, I just realised how much such trips mean to me and are precious, not to be missed while the age and opportune time lasts.

..Jhonka sa..

2008-08-14T11:38:00.001+05:30

After about one and a half years,i heard the song from Fanaa: " Dekho na"
I had kept my self away from it, deciding that it was a better idea to just let it fade away with time..like so many other things..and had convined myself that it wasnt such a song that burying it in a deep grave would do much harm...and then today, somehow, as i flipped channels settling on V, and got back to work, it started..the tiny ringlets of water floating around with the soft float of that serene and pure music.
The song seemed like a new one, i did not remember the turns of the melody and the intermittent unisons of the instruments;even the words eluded me-but as the song progressed, it slowly started coming back to me-when I was in love with the song, and many other facets of life,when I recognised every string attached to it,when i hummed it in all my evening and night walks...
Was a pleasant and benumbing 5 minutes of the song...but i have quickly shifted to another,lest somthing so painfully tucked away in the cobwebbed corners of my memory, pushes itself out into the still vulnerable present.

2008-08-10T22:25:00.000+05:30

Finally cleaned my Scooty, that I got sent from home (its one of my few school possessions still with me :) ), and rode it today. Cutting through the breeze, and almost curfewed road(Sunday wears that look in Madurai), it was the taste of freedom like good old school days. Of not totally being at the behest of destiny, of being able to go wherever i wish to (literally) and hold my own reigns.
One ride does it all !!!

2008-08-09T23:51:00.001+05:30

"Waqt ne kiya kya haseen sitam, tum rahe na tum, hum rahe na hum..

..Jayenge kahan kuchh pata nahi,
Chal pade magar rasta nahi
Kya talash hai kuchh pata nahi
Bun rahe hai din khwab dam badam...

Waqt ne kiya kya haseen sitam, tum rahe na tum, hum rahe na hum.."

"If life doesnt make you laugh,you just dont get the joke"

2008-08-08T22:22:00.001+05:30

Planned a market visit to Karaikudi today, for which I set off in the morning, keeping my arrival time to be
9:30am through an hour and a half's travel from Madurai to Karaikudi(as everyone had told me). However,
after almost 2 and a half hours of wobbly back breaking journey (the roads in Maharashtra were definitely
much better), I reached my Chettinad Distributor's stock point. It felt like walking into some other era, the
house was what typically is shown as a South Indian house in movies, with very high ceilings, falsely
thatched in some areas, the nondescript "jhula" , the daunting garlanded photographs of various Gods and
Goddesses all around; and mind it, this was Not his house, but the stock point which has seen Biscuits being
bought and sold ,for the past 50 years.
Market visits always tend to confuse me. As in , if I am an ASM, what is the basic purpose of a my visiting the
market. At this stage of my territory handling, it is about understanding the subtle (or glaringly big)
differences in my territory, from one area to another; some may argue it is required for being in touch with
the actual happenings, vis-a-vis competition or one's own standing; I still feel all this can be gauged, by
spending more time per shop, rather than visiting more shops, and may be by spreading one's coverage
area.Anyways, as my mind raced through all this,while I walked from shop to shop, my musical heart would not
rest unless it successfully played a silent song ( a lot of times its timed very ill), "Mere man ye bata de tu, kis
or chala hai tu,kya paya nahi tune, kya dhund raha hai tu.." , making all my existential queries all the more
emphatic.
But ironies do not stop in life ever. So as I walked to one shop on the College Road beat of Karaikudi, my
senses picked a fragrance, that, for a split second, transported me back to the supermarket near our
apartment in Nice, France, called "Casino Supermarche" which by some strange coincidence would have
smelled the same in one of its ailes.
Weird is a word not enough when such experiences keep happening...
Also, when your mother tells you that 08-08-08 is being discussed all over the news channels (who never
seem to have enough for 24*7, but these analyses), so please be careful, and you brush all of it aside, till
your innocent market visit has a mini-adventure, as your car breaks down in the midst of dark wilderness,
and you are with a driver who cannot communicate in the language you understand. But as my mother
would explain, I had managed to visit a famous temple near Karaikudi (every place here has a famous
temple), and God did help me sail out of my mini adventure without much ado.
Truly Shantaram seems so perfectly right when he says : " If life doesnt make you laugh, you just dont get the
joke"

Women in Indian Army

2008-08-05T21:55:00.000+05:30

One piece of news(in the midst of all the tension in the country right now), that made my heart skip,was the announcement that women would now be eligible for Permanent Commission in the Indian Army.After almost 20 years of experimentation with different modes of employing women, the Indian Army has finally opened its doors to women beyond the Short Service Commission, making them at par with men in the services..almost...because it is still non combative..may be some day The Indian Army would open that front too..just hope this time it does not take 20 years.

Bridge across..

2008-08-04T13:32:00.003+05:30

Its a hectic working day in the depot today,with the usual reports and communications that have to be made and sent, it being the beginning of the month.

However, somehow, right in the midst of the formats and excel sheets staring at me from my laptop,this came back to me..all in one...(something that I had scribbled on the white board in Jai and Bhobe's room, in 1st year of MDI-don't even remember, in what frame of mind I was when I wrote it):

“ When this world does not seem to work,
the weariness is too much to bear,
yet the mind pulls those strings-of consciousness,
to remain here,
I could only make that journey
to another plane of being
and cross that bridge..
…..the bridge across forever.”

///Friendship///

2008-08-03T23:32:00.003+05:30

Thanks to "CNN IBN" which reminded me through some hilarious comments made by Cyrus Broacha that its Friendship Day today, I wasnt taken by surprise when I woke up to find so many "Friendship day" forwards sitting in the Message Inbox of my Cell phone.
I did chat with some of my friends today- thats not something unusual, some part of my Sunday generally goes in telephonic conversations, most with friends-but today I spoke to Neetisha after a long time (except for the short call I made the day when I heard of Blore blasts). Its weird how Neetisha and I have been good friends from MDI , but in terms of the time we have spent together, in each other's company, it has not been much. The best part is, whenever I close my eyes and remember moments with her, the image that comes to mind is of her immaculately clean room in MDI (in 2nd year) and our times in the Airport Raod Pizza Hut..instead of days of MDI!!
Which brings me to a point that somehow I woke up thinking (before actually realising today is Friendship Day) by strange coincidence- what does Friendship actually mean? As in,there may be several ways of expressing a bond that is more precious or special than any other, but does it come with its baggage of expectations like other human relationships do?? Does it also have that oft dreaded and confusing word called "committment" attached to it? Or of a Time frame to it? Because in my experiences (and I am always accused by my mother, to have "so many friends" ), I have had the most complicated and unexpected ends to the most cherished and closest friendships I had, so much so , that I am not even aware of the other person's current scenario in life, from being pals who knew the happenings of the nth minute in each other's lives. So much for all the concern and closeness shared and the most treasured gift of a true friendship- of understanding the unspoken.

May be the true test of any relationship, be it a friednship, is the test of time;may be its only the situation when it mattered, or may be its plain destiny.
At this moment, can sum it up in this SMS I read today-
"EK din zindagi aise mukam pe pahunch jayegi, Dosti to sirf yadon mein reh jayegi Har cup coffee doston ki yaad dilayegi Aur hanste hue ankh nam ho jayegi Office chamber mein classroom ki tasveer ban jayegi par chahne par bhi proxy nahi lag payegi Paisa toh bahut hoga lekin use lautane ki wajah hi kho jayegi
Jee le is pal ko mere dost..kyunki zindagi is pal ko fir nahi dohrayegi"

2008-07-27T12:29:00.002+05:30

Such a beautiful thought:
"Tu kahe toh tere hi kadam ke main nishano pe, chalun,ruku isharo pe
Tu kahe toh khwabon ka bana ke main bahano sa, mila karun sirhane pe"

That is why lyrics of Bollywood songs, though not taken seriously by some, never cease to enchant me..
and this song has that lilting haunting quality about it, one can only feel it right in the sinews, if one were to play it at high volume with lights switched off or dimmed, and every other thought about work or the mess in life pushed into a far corner of the mind.

Khuda jaane ki main fida hun.....Khuda jaane mein mit gaya...Khuda jaane ye kyun hua hai..ki..

Aisa bhi hota hai

2008-07-24T22:32:00.002+05:30

Life never ceases to surprise us..not for the big changes only, but even in the small, least expected bends in the road.

So as I actually battle the language problem each day (and now explaining everything at least twice with elaborations, has become a norm),I never expected that the auto guy whom I have fixed for going to the depot in the morning, and with whom I share a "dont understand a word spoken by the other but a business transaction exists" relationship, would have as his ringtone ..guess what..a popular hindi song, from the old times of my adolescence "Tujhe dekha to ye jana sanam"!!

Aisa bhi hota hai..I hope i get more ,and better Pleasant surprises :)

We do not find a book, rather a book finds us...??

2008-07-22T23:02:00.007+05:30

Have been tempted for some time to simply write my views on the books I have finished in the last two weeks (and typically this blog should have preceeded the earlier one). Its quite unlike me to read a book and forget it as soon as I shut it .Not only does my mind keep wandering over it, I take the liberty of discussing it with a lot of people also. Some may think this is beating the book (a simple enthralling narrative) to death, but during my Literature days I realised how just reading the story in a book is like drinking the water in a coconut and missing on the soft, yummy "malai" inside. which at least I am very fond of.
During my last visit to Chennai(this is the monthly regional meet), I bought two books- Brida by Paulo Coelho, and P.S I love you by Cecilia Ahern. The latter was the one I picked up to read first, for it had been suggested by quite a few people, all having the common rider : " YOU would love it because its YOUR kind of a novel". I usually tend to take such display of confidence in my taste, by others, as a challenge (or may be simplistic method) to find what is it that "I would so definitely like"!!P S I Love You, for me had an uncanny resemblance to Kuch Kuch Hota hai, for both have letters bridging the gap between the alive and the past of the dead. The novel had nothing new in it, and precisely that would be the reason it went ahead to become such a popular novel- talking about small things that anyone who has even remotely felt being in love, would identify with, and definitely anyone who has undergone the pain of separation, of any form, would swear by. Its easy to go on and on about a book - and end up expressing opinions as long as the book- but for me what touched me most about the book was the way my mind (or rather heart) shifted through the novel. I started by feeling this "spree of identification" with everything the protaganist mentioned, with grief overwhelming my heart and tears wetting the pages of the book. However as Gerry's letters brought something to look forward to in Holly 's life and transformed memories from dreaded recollections to sweet remembrances, I started feeling the same- almost spreading a smile on my tear stained face..even tempting me to thank people who made some of those memories.
The second novel was Brida, which I carried during my tour to Nagercoil. I am not a fan of Coelho in any way, in fact it is one writing style, I find has the most potential to destroy the purpose of philosophy, by being so vulgarly blatant about it. However, it does not hinder me from reading them purely as a "source of information" of the various principles. Brida is a book that talks at length about Irish Mysticism, about the Tradition of the Sun and the Tradition of the Moon, the magic of the forms of existence of a woman and the search that interests every human being at some point in her/his life- that of a Soulmate.I would refrain from saying whether there is justice done to the principles or not, but I did get hooked on to the book as if my life depended on it-- and the 5 hour train journey at least had 4 hours of enriching support. Was reminded of 3rd year during my Literature studies in LSR, when SC (the prof) used to teach Yeats and his use of Irish Mysticism- be it the phases of the moon concept or the Symbology used. These discussions used to almost bewitch me and so Brida for me was peeling another layer of that onion.
My third book was "Acts of Faith" by Erich Segal. I had somehow never read Erich Segal books beyond Love Story, though its one of my favorite. But with Erich Segal books being easily available in e-versions, I ended up downloading some and hence reading them. Against all that is said about the "pulp" nature of his books, I found depth in the simplicity of his narration and style- be it "The Class" (which I read a month back) where the simplest and most common thing - a batch of students, coming from different areas of life, dreams and confidence in their hearts and difference in expectations during college and actual realities on the other side of the college boundary wall, is depicted in the most readable, enjoyable and yet thought provoking manner.So is the case with "Acts of Faith" that juggles between the fundamentals of the two warring religions -the Jewish faith and Christianity and how the simple truth of humanly love is denied by the most profound preachers of priestly and spiritual love. The ending was a true feel good, love overcomes all, Bollywood-ish typicality , but at least in this case, that is what provided justice to the 500 pages before it- at least it did for me- that the strings of the heart are not necessarily frivolous desires but may bring forth the most astounding truths of existence.

Now my Blore visit, (which I would do justice to through a separate post) also gave me the opportunity to buy few books-bought 7 for the moment, in no order of preference of reading, but simply letting my hand wander and pick them up...bacause somehow I have started believeing:
" We do not find a book, rather a book finds us..at a juncture in life, what is to be read may also not be solely our chocie?"

Konnection ho jaaye

2008-07-12T21:39:00.002+05:30

Reminiscing my Bhubaneswar days ..when I used to ensure that every Saturday I convince Dad to buy the evening show tickets for the new movie on the block..and what a movie buff I have been ..Bollywwod ki pujaran style :) [the drama still exists]
And I do manage to relate and analyse a lot even in Bollywood movies..so its not surprising how, based out of a town in the southern state of Tamil Nadu, where I have not been able to spot a Hindi movie DVD(not even Moserbear versions), forget having a cinema hall screening Hindi movies,it pinches me to check out Zoom and Channel V (my lifelines here) for all the new movies coming up, but not be able to watch any!!!
And with my latest crush, Shahid Kapur, singing " Bakhuda Tumhi ho.." after every 5 minutes on Zoom, I am dying to watch the movie..thats a different thought that the couple of Vidya Balan and Shahid reminds me of something, rather of somepeople.
Right now just keeping my fingers crossed, to grace a cinema theatre for this one at least.."konnection ho jaaye....."

Overpowered by emotions....

2008-07-06T20:48:00.001+05:30

To feel as humanly small as one can feel..to keep asking yourself what made you fall for all that,step into it knowing everything and ending up feeling unwanted and unimportant..and to be under this illusion that for that brief moment, you were actually happy, really truly happy..For as many haircuts you get, Brownies you eat,hang out with your friends or dance it away,every night you feel the pain in parts of your heart you never knew existed...and wake up with the fuzzy feel in your head that you dont know which part of time you are really in..To go to some other place, meet new people who make you feel important and worthwhile,and yet have those moments coming back to you every once in a while..that drinking and crying it out does not pour out the grief from within you ..and you only believe what people keep telling you-that Time will wear it away..just that you keep waiting for that Time ..which seems like Eternity..almost

I guess I am becoming stronger

2008-07-02T22:32:00.002+05:30

I guess I am becoming stronger - emotionally that is.

There was a time I had given up music and dance...and this for a person like me translated to much, because both these arts almost define my life in a certain way..Why i had given them up was becuase of the painful memories they brought on me, considering the kind of associations I am capable of forming with a particular song...but there came a time when one of my very good friends egged me on to listen to those songs that caused the most pain, to create a sense of mundaneness around them and build new memories for them...Was almost impossible to follow this advice but I decided to try it at least...after almost about a year from this incident, today as I was busy making rotis in the kitchen, the sweet melody of one such song reached my ear and I almost turned to reach the Remote,when I decided Lets do this despite being alone here..Let me put this Test of "Managing Memories" without support from anyone else..and I managed to listen to the entire song, make Rotis without a single tear bordering my eye....

I Guess this is a good sign...that either I am hardening to the reality of the emotionless world, or am swimming out of the pool of deep memories..either way I wish it only helps

Another Arbit Observation

2008-06-30T22:35:00.004+05:30

Was watching IIFA awards last night and as Mr.Aditya Narayan(Udit Narayan's cute son whose voice was the sole kid voice in playback in bollywood during the late 90s), who is now a smart,well dictioned and verbose anchor, was conducting the "Walking Into the IIFA" curtain raiser asking celebs what(read 'Who') they were dressed in,I happened to notice something- Most couples that walked on the Green carpet, had the man leading without any inkling of the woman being far behind, giving a feeling of they not walking in together or as a couple;or holding hands, such that again the man walking ahead almost gave the impression of pulling the lady into the show!!!

But there was one couple that at least walked together looking the most graceful in the process, and that was the super-hyped couple of Bollywood- Abhishek and Aishwarya...

And this definitely is one of my arbit observations, no bias or favor for Abhishek Bachhan :)

2008-06-28T22:18:00.002+05:30

Tum se hi...Tum se hi...Shor mein khamoshi hai ..thodi si behoshi hai ..Tum se hi...

Aisa mehsoos karna ...kahan gaya...

2008-06-27T22:09:00.002+05:30

I thought that with loving myself more and respecting myself more, I would love you less and forget those days that still pierce through the heart like the sharpest edge of a blade.......
I thought.........just thought.....

Setting up a ghar(or as Karan Johar would call it "Makan")

2008-06-26T22:57:00.002+05:30

For once I could feel the import of the words Deepti (fondly called Pandeji) had once mentioned: I wish to get married so much from the fact that my expenses could be shared :)Bemused as some would be who have not faced this - I would remember this time of moving into a place,as quite an experience, purchasing small necessities to larger durables- things for the house that I am supposed to transform into a "ghar from makan" to justify to my mind that I am creating a work-"life" balance, or a semblance of it. With Mom being there last week, to set up things and make me want to come home after work (although there seems to be no "after" work in Sales),I was able to delay the acceptance of the staying alone reality of my job.But when yesterday I walked into my house in the morning, that hollowness almost choked me.So much so that a mere 5 days visit of my Mom made her presence such a logical and natural expectation of my heart,such that sleepy headed me still recognised my lone toothbrush in the holder and was jerked into my current reality.

Though there is absolutely no end to the work I have, and actually to write this post I have decided to postpone some of it to the morn of tomorrow,it is just what sums up all the small minutes that result in another day gone from my month (thats the classical way a Sales person thinks).Added to that is my stint at a superwomanly act by doing everything myself be it washing,cleaning house, cooking all times..woops..while I write it also I cannot believe I am talking about myself!

I just wonder if there were no books, how would I survive!!!!

2008-06-26T17:24:00.003+05:30

Awaiting announcement for boarding my flight yesterday,somewhere the hallucinated 5:30 AM brain of mine started wondering what it would be like if there was a place like this airport, where we could sit and hear announcements being bombarded at us that sounded like: "Jet Age Airways announces its flight S XX to the year 1995 as ready for departure.Passengers travelling to the year 1995 by this flight are requested to board the flight through Gate No 3 on the Ground Floor.This Flight is a hopping flight and will stop at the year 2001 for 40 minutes only. As a special feature of our airlines, we allow passengers to get a peek of 2001 by alighting from the aircraft for not more than 20 minutes. Jet Age wishes all its passengers a happy journey into "13 years ago"!!

Guess this is what happens after racing through a hectic two day meeting being glued to your chair and making analysis and decisions, forgetting what the planned Agenda sheet actually mentioned..and coming out at 10.30 PM with the Minutes of the Meeting Sheet as a better judge of the efficacy of the meeting than contents assimilated by your brain!

2008-06-08T19:56:00.002+05:30

::To see all the places I had walked when I was happy

:: And wonder when did all the laughter die

::When destiny became a dreaded word,

::Yet, the only constant part of life

Ghar ...aur ...Shauhar

2008-06-03T22:19:00.003+05:30

Finally getting my posting,I have been doing House hunting for a while now..and the process somehow makes me think this sure must bear some similarity with the whole hunting(pun intended) for the right groom-an institution we call "Arrange marriage" in India. This might have a lot to do with my recent frequent situations when I,happening to run out of important things to update my mom about(albeit for a few seconds) find my mom slipping in
the "M" word in her ever so soft voice.Now I am not a full-blodded feminist who deosnt believe in marriage and loving a man phenomenon- I am all for people getting married whenever they want (or dont want) and to whoever they do. However, I somehow cannot digest this "Arr-ange"marriage concept-- of meeting people with that purpose in mind of selection/rejection (unnatural to the core!!) and taking decisions of compatibility basis an hour long conversation and may be a couple of telephonic chit-chats. I am not trying to be cynical about this whole thing and the happily arranged married couples need not spit venom or precious advice at me,I cannot imagine MYSELF as part of this whole process..but due to my recent transfer, as I went from one house to another figuring out where I could "accomodate" myself better I started finding a lot of possible similarity.

So not a single house brought the exclamation "WOW- This is it" , but I kept weighing, not the pros and the cons, but more than that the cons that I could live comparatively better with- in short- the problems/lacks i can "accomodate" or "compromise" with...does it sound familiar to the already married.
Anyways, since I have never sat through meeting a guy,yet,I may be just over-exaggerating the comparison and being harsher than I should be...Btw- have finalised on a house at least!!

Unprecedented Series: IPL comes to an end

2008-06-02T00:12:00.002+05:30

What an amazing Finale to the Indian Premier League!!Absorbing to the core...
Though for me the dampener begun with both my favorite teams- Delhi and Punjab- out of the tournament yesterday, beaten badly in their respective Semis,today was a befitting final to the series and format of the game. I started with supporting Chennai (now that I am based in the south) and Dhoni ("mere gaon ka") was captaining the team, but as the match came to the last 5 overs, the excitement and thrill was almost unmatchable and the only thought running in my mind was that it would end in a bowl out - but that kind of divine justice does not happen always (!!). In a way it was good to see the confidence displayed by the youngsters(Under 19-ers), especially the likes of Yusuf Pathan and Jadeja in a series where they started by being the underdogs- simply for not having Star pull (either in the form of Bollywood or Cricketers), but admirable confidence, focus and "josh" took them through.
Somehow I had a discomfort seeing that the IPL started with each team having the firangs in it play better than the Indian counterparts..and that finally the only Foreigner captained team won the "INDIAN" Premier League :(
But then as my friend put it : " a deserving team won and its a sport- a game of cricket" may be the thing to remember will be the IPL as a trend setter for a lot of change in this game of cricket and not having SET MAX as the first channel on most remotes anymore.

From there to here...

2008-06-01T17:32:00.000+05:30

As i was flipping channels, i saw that Sony is showing "Mohabbatein" ...2000 it was I guess when I was in XIth and this movie was released..as I did for most movies, I dragged my family into watching it 2nd day 3rd show,poor dad of mine, slept through the movie which he found as stupid as it could get, while I sat at the edge of my seat absorbing all the Yash Choprian ideal of romance and magic..college life and love...the dream-iness of it all that subconsciously fed my "idea of love and life"....How I used to gorge on Jane Austen books and Yash Chopra/Karan Johar movies (not that i dont do it now) innocently adding those ideas and "happy endings" into the grey cells of my brain that kept further sharpening the contours of the image of love i had in my heart.....
And eight years down the line, how facetious things seem...the movie appears as a cut out from a Puppy Romance pulp fiction with each page marked by flying dead leaves and "mohabbat gyaan" being lashed out!! And definitely the movie is the same the dialogues are the ones i had memorised(and somehow still remember- this is how memory plays tricks on you by remembering the inessential always) only "I" have changed...come a long way from the adoloscent belief in true love, happy endings and mushy romance..a long way from mushy romances and "made for each other" convictions...a long way..or Have I ??????????

Finally...Blog it is

2008-06-01T17:26:00.000+05:30

Finally....even I have started blogging....
What happens when a person is posted in a small cute town Madurai situated at the farther south end of India...selling biscuits and chasing numbers, experiencing a very different culture, trying to understand people and conversations through their expressions (because the language is unfathomable), following IPL as a cricket crazed fan with no social life...
Blogging it is...my way to express and socialise(!!!)