My whirlpool and the Greener side(s)

I have never understood how "demons" of the past have so much strength and capacity to roar back to life at the most unexpected, inopportune moment and it so easily becomes a tornado that keeps sucking you in.It is even more surprising to note that one's memory becomes a ready accomplice in this plot, making afresh all those instances in rapid succession, that add to the inner forces of that tornado.
While I was in its grip last evening, and into today,it makes me impatiently angry,to not be able to pull myself out of it.

Which kid would not have had instances of being teased,for something or the other.Which adult would not have gone through the pains of comparative self-criticism.Society is made that way,where we spend all our initial years tying to fall in line with the norm,or defy it precisley to attain the same objective as -gain appreciation,applause or a sense of envy that people feel for us- and grow up to realise that we have to work the rest of our lives to make a "distinctive" mark in the same society,keeping the measures of success the same.Why then, on knowing and understanding all of this, it still becomes difficult to ignore the "what I lack and he/she has/is blessed with" and focus on "what I have and how to make best of it". Why is it always so easy to show this to someone else, and when it comes to oneself,we always tend to forget it.
I look at someone and feel he/she is so lucky to have the perfect body or is so good-looking,they would look good in everything they put on and may be their good looks helps them score a brownie point in a lot of things/with a lot of people who automatically get softened by a pretty face. Or I look at someone who belongs to a "Rich" family and though I am a big professor of "self-made" success,money and all things that it can buy,I still feel jealous at times when I am tempted to travel to an exotic location or drool over a breathtakingly beautiful dress.For a long time in life, I have been able to convince myself that I have the best combo- Being a middle-class Fatso,the expensive dress is not such a big loss because it would never make me look as 'awesome' as a thin chic !! But of late, I seem to be losing the ability to concort such rationalisations to glorify my existence,and there are these moments when I get pulled into the whirlwind of "everything that is wrong with me".

I just wish there was some mechanism by which whenever one feels this way, there could be a mirror showing us how someone else feels the exact same thing about us and one can get some perspective to bounce back and enjoy life..Usually a good moral building story, or a movie is able to bring about this realisation through relevant juxtapositions, and guess even Life does it all the time,its just the lens one dons that makes all the difference.

As my Mom always says- " Nazariya badlo, nazaare badlenge..."
Wish it was as easy to do as to say that.

Corporate 'selling' of self!

After seeing what my husband has been reduced to,I have seriously started wondering at my craze for Marketing as a function..or rather still, the bane of a corporate existence that makes such a mockery of one's self esteem.It rather feels as if a corporate professional has sold himself/herself because there is no life left,no time left,no interests get catered to. I fear how I would handle a scenario like this if I ever were to land in it. I wonder what is the outcome of SUCH a uni-faceted (if there ever was such a word) life...even if, Even If it was what one was interested in,doesnt excess of anything drive away its pleasure?
God help me with instances like these ,not only when,& if(God forbid) I have to undergo them,but even now when I am an indirect recepient of them.

How feminist is Feminist?

It is an interesting discussion - feminism. I know that by calling it a "discussion" I am risking a self-imposed fall of the gravity of it all. But the truth is that I dont feel the fire about it the way I used to earlier.Not to say that I dont consider it important enough, but the manner of expression- rising pitch, flaring nostrils and gradually clenching fists that were replaced by the tirade of vocal expressions in college,have come to a much deeper-almost scarily judgemental attitude towards people who do not fall in line with my Feminist beliefs.Yes, from an almostdesperate need to explain & convince people to see the way I did on this topic, to becoming snobbishly "correct" in my mind (& peer group) I do think I have come a long way. My choice of friends (and now my husband) probably does pronounce the way I have moved in that regard.Probably the only people I still find it worth convincing are some of the "women" in my family who I still feel are tied down to some notions despite so much of independence of thought.

So where is the problem?
It probably is as much a part of growing up and realising how things move from Blacks & Whites to Greys.It is when I am confronted with someone questioning the depth of 'My' feminism- as to how much of it actually gets translated into action. It pops up in my head when my fairly liberal husband asks me not to cook when the maid is on leave, and I still get up to do it because ostensibly I dont want to eat out but somehwere in a deeply subconscious way I do feel that even though I may ask him to help me in the kitchen(which he does as much as his knowledge allows him to),I still have to steer that part of the household work. It springs as a big ? when I realise that I still feel embarassed when accompanied by a man to purchase my "monthly supplies of feminine hygiene products". And when I was reading this article in the Times on Sunday, I did think that what one of the women mentioned was something even I would find tiring and probably irritating- having to pick up and drop my husband from/to work.

For all the equality that I used to profess in school/college, I have started believing,more so after being in a relationship, that demanding equality in "every" thing may be too far-fetched,because men and women do differ at a very very basic level in thoughts,perspectives and behavior.Why I mention 'after being in a relationship' because I have truly donned the lens of an impartial view of the male behavior only after that.And I also realise the comparison b/w the sexes has increased to a different plane- like a lot of other couples with whom I have discussed this topic at length. Some egs that bounce off me are,how when I used to come to Chennai to visit my fiance,secretly I would wish that he was there at the Bus stand to pick me up(*which for me had nothing to do with the fact that I arrived at 4 am, but for him that was the reason)- and compare this with my opinion above on "picking up/dropping" !)...or even though our monthly finances are divided between us, the wedding costs of my half were taken care of by my parents and I was in a way okay with the arrangement..or that I still expect more gifts From him than I would ever Give him! I sometimes feel this pressure- completely created by me- where I become judgemental about my own 'first' thoughts/reactions, because they might not fit with the paradigm of the kind of feminism I grew up believing in. So I am somewhere at peace with the discomfort within me when I notice discriminating trends at work between colleagues of different gender (or used to in my previous Co),but feel helplessly hassled when I display the tendency of 'seeking advice' from my husband while shopping!

I have come to believe that the world that 'I' live in,at the moment, is much different from the one I used to,and in this world 'shouting out loud' making demands or 'preaching' the need for equality may be passe.Inequality does prevail- sometimes for the good and mostly for the bad,but in a covert way, in my slightly more sophisticated environment of living.I dont shut my eyes to the glaring evils like Female infanticide or denial of education to girls or refusal of the right to inherit parental property, and I in my very small way try and at least contribute something there- but what does leave me baffled is coming to terms with the state of flux that a woman like me is in- of being empowered,independent and yet not knowing how to handle the internal dilemna of complicated contradictory thoughts or rather the genesis of those thoughts.
Of whether to accept them and feel empowered by "conscious life Choices" or revisit my understanding of Feminism in its unsoiled form?

Welcome back

Its been a full year since I have written!!..and this realisation shook me a little right now

2010 was an eventful year for me- change of Job..change of relationship status ,et al :)

But my Big New Year Resolution is to write..a lot and get back to writing verse too :)

On that note, welcoming myself back

Tata 2009

Hmm...another New year eve alone in Madurai but no celebration this time.
Actually would not know what to celebrate with the closing of a year that brought the most brilliantfanasticallyfabulously lovely thing that can happen :)

I havent written for a long time and actually the reason has been the juggling of my state of mind between two extremes of my life- the continued and exponentially increasing frustration at work and ever-so-prolonged stay in this city/lifestyle alongwith the bright new "sunshine" in my life that "says best when says nothing at all" ;)

I spent some time this New Year's Eve too, thinking about my Highs and Lows in 2009and here is what my mind scribbled on my Yellow Pad (meant for jotting down these things and oh-so inspired from Bucket List) had at the end of it, not in the order of importance :

Highs:

1- The Biggest and Best-est (shy & blushing even when scribbling),which culminated in my getting engaged on 21st of November to Mr.smart-cute-caring Digish Parekh (all other adjectives not meant for public consumption :P )

Prior to that day I realised,probably for the first time, what Anxiety attacks meant.Not ever having spent more than an hour in the 'beauty parlor', doing so on 20th started getting on to my nerves, and all through the train journey,even meeting my family the next morning,kept that sense of 'fear as to whether his family/relatives would like me' very alive inside me. Consenting to the wishes of my family memebrs and allowing myself to be dolled up (which for a change made me look good), I remember my walking out of the elevator of his building and flower petals being showered at me (I almost felt like a film star-albeit a shy,embarassed one not used to so much attention).My first step into the house and on lifting my eyelids,my gaze met his encouraging eyes and warm smile - that was also the first time I realised how Anxiety attacks diffuse away leaving a sense of "All izz well" :)

2- My much awaited and looked forward to "Leh-Ladakh" trip. The way the trip unfolded has been discussed and debated by some of us a lot, and though I agree with them , on my part the fascination that this place has held in my heart all these years, was so great that when I was there it was like a Dream - yes, I almost felt that for that entire week, I was floating in a dreamlike existence. The contrast of landscape, weather, food,roads and mood was something to gobble up in that span of time
(That also reminds me of Venice, which also has been one such place I had always imagined about, and when I had visited it I felt out of the world-literally-almost unconnected with the people around me and yet conjoined to the overall place and the heady atmosphere)

3- My first rightfully earned and deserved Performance Bonus- not for the money as much for the 135% Achievement.I have had a little too much of good luck and hence bad habit of "marks,good nos, good performance" obsession.(And anyway looking at the brawl-at -work scenario this year, its "naiyya doobi samjho bas")

4- The way my Bday was celebrated this year- it was a very distinct and unexpected one (and in retrospect in the light of other events that unfolded,seems nice yet interesting in a questioning manner !)

Lows:

1- The LIVING in MAD-urai that continues to go on and on like an endless exile ....I can begin to sense the mental state of trauma fraught with rebellious thoughts,cynicism and forced conditioning that anyone serving a lifeterm in jail would be going through on a daily basis!!

2- Frustration@Professional life - I guess most people feel it. Just has tentacles that keep growing into the very nerves of your body and endangering every other possibilty of small delights of life (Gawd, so much of negative imagery just came to my mind)

3- Part of 2.- the person contributing a very high % to it

4- Something in my family that I wish I could do something about, that gives such a pathetic and angry feeling of helplessness,making me feel like a five year old instead. Ahhhggghhh..grrrrhhh.

5-Radha Aunty leaving us- Hadnt for a moment imagined that when I walked into the Kumaran Hospital on that May afternoon, it would be the last time I would set eyes on her. And yet in a way I was happy that Ma did not see Aunty in that state. The meaning of South Indian delicacies to us, the stopover of our climb to the 8th floor when returning from school,our lift didnt work and we had heavy schoolbags on our shoulders, my bro and I always ran down to the 4th floor, for anything special that was cooked,the connect of our Bhubaneswar and CMPDI colony days that continued to Ranchi. Mom's best friend till date and a very loving and warm Aunty to us and in a matter of less than a year from the detection of Cancer, she left us. I still remember her each time I cross a flat in my colony which has the aroma of home cooked sambhar coming from inside,still the first number in my phonebook for "R" and the searing pain that spreads inside me whenever I go past the Kumaran hospital in Chennai.
On the Engagement day, standing on the rooftop of Hotel Pride, overlooking the same Kumaran hospital, I couldnt help but remember that day and think what it would have been like if she was there on that special day of mine,spreading that cheerful talk that was such a trademark of hers.

God Bless.

6- GrandPa's health- This was a shock. Thats the kind of power a disease like Cancer has,every time for any individual.


WOW..It was an Eventful year-2009

And another year comes that I can only welcome with this thought:

"Give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance, I wanna grow up once again..and I hope the chance is this year :) "

My first Diwali alone

Almost a month after the day, I could finally bring myself to write this.

My first Diwali alone.

I know in today's day and age , I wouldn't stand out for having to face this situation, but for me, it still would be a tough nut that I cracked.
It was almost a preparation for not falling prey to the predicted outcome of being alone on Diwali-getting depressed. So i stacked up my DVDs in order, to start my "MAD-urai Movie Marathon" 16th night onwards. In between phone calls from ghar and relatives and distributors wishing on the eve of Diwali itself, and Rani Mukherjee romancing Shahid Kapur ( looking oh so sweet and adorable amidst the flimsy script) and the bat,I managed to sleep peacefully and wake up all excited for D day. Cleaning the house and puja ghar, and dolling myself in new clothes,basically 3 hard worked long hours later, I was tired- physically and mentally. I felt exhausted,trying to fight my nostalgia and 'missing people' sulking and the fight I was putting up with someone, trying to not lose the traditions invloved with Diwali- the cleaning and puja and new clothes and rangoli (which I finally did not make after procastinating for long).So I decided to do something different this Diwali, and gifted my neighbor's son all the mithai and crackers that I had recieved from office,etc. At least the smile on his face and the glint of excitement in his eyes on seeing the big box of crackers was my first high point of the day. I felt very nice about myself and my ability to give away those crackers and mark my very first no-crackers Diwali (am growing up!! ;P )

The numerous phone calls through the day (with the constant earth-shaking noise in the background), though requiring a lot of effort, were a constant reconfirmation of the existence of friends and family, something that always pulls one through when alone. However, my biggest achievement was how the simple line oft forced into moralistic "festival" essays we write as kids,played on my mind enough to make me feel the need to "not " keep up a fight on a day of celebration like Diwali- and this worked so much better than all those long explanations and discussions ever do, to clear the air in a situation of conflict. This realisation was like a breath of fresh air (amidst the smoke ridden air outside and the clutter in my mind inside).

For things like these, if nothing else, I still love festivals, even if I have to be alone to celebrate them.

Happy Diwali always :)

Ajab Prem...

Guess,this has been written keeping hopeless romantics,like me, in mind :

"Kuchh yaar nazar nahi aata, gharbar nazar nahi aata,sansar nazar nahi aata..
Jab pyaar hota hai..." :P

Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani ..or
Ajab Premiyon ki Ghazab short-sightedness