Moment of Cricket for India...and me

This post comes two days late, but that is what my Data Card, that refused to work for these two days,decided...

Monday the 10th was a very moving "cricket" moment for me,after quite a long time,after we won the T20 World Cup I would say.As Harbhajan pulled out the wicket,displaying the passionate acknowledgement of winning a series that not only was pronounced as the "Battle of Life between Titans" but had created a frenzy, even bigger than an India-Pakistan series (as even MSD stated),it was a feeling of deep pride and satisfaction sinking in.And what a way to bring back the Border-Gavaskar Cup after 5 long years...what a sweeping off of the series with 2-0 and a good 172 runs win in the second test. But the moment that brought tears to my eyes, was when MSD motioned Kumble to join him in holding the Cup-befittingly so- and few moments later, Bhajji and Ishaan lifted Dada from the field into the dressing room. The fact that two legends had announced their signing off from the game, the reality that never would I be able to see my favorite bowler in his controlled passion take a wicket and humbly smile, or the skipper I rate as THE Indian to introduce aggression into the players of cricket (before which the spectators definitely beat them to it!) swerve the ball past surprised fielders to the boundary, hit me hard.
I was reminded of how these legends in a way defined that stage of my life, during my schooling years, when I was a cricket crazed fan, and in a way their moving away made that tense reality come closer home: of my growing old :)

Jane woh kaise log the

Jane woh kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila
Humne toh jab kaliyan mangi, kanton ka haar mila

Bichhad gaya har saathi de kar pal do pal ka saath
Kisko fursat hai jo thame deewano ka haath
Hum ko apna saya tak,aksar bezaar mila
Humne toh jab kaliyan mangi, katon ka haar mila
Jane woh kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila

Isko hi jeena kehte hain toh,yun hi jee lenge
Uff na karenge,lab see lenge,ansoo pi lenge
Ghum se ab ghabrana kaisa...Ghum sau baar mila

Humne toh jab kaliyan mangi, katon ka haar mila
Jane woh kaise log the jinke pyaar ko pyaar mila

Centre Stage

Saw the movie "Centre stage" today - about Ballet Dance
Till date a movie about dance has never failed to stand a place in my good opinion. The sheer ecstasy,that just watching a dance -even on celluloid packed in a Laptop screen- can bring is unparalleled.The grace of the moves, the poise, the harmony and the almost ethereal delight which the dancers (Actors) displayed was so moving.
And somehow, I was reminded of my first childhood dream- of becoming a dancer/choreographer...may be I still keep it tucked away in that corner of my heart,which has managed to remain unsoiled by the burden of prosaicness and worldliness..and which my "heart-over-head yet middle class" persona would hopefully someday transform into something meaningful: may be opening a dance school - even if not in a teacher's capacity.
I must admit, after watching that movie I could not stop myself from shaking a leg or two...if only this one thing that gives me so much joy could become everything for me..if only I could dance my way through life..if only I could Dance till I die..
and dance alone could become the "Centre Stage" of my life..........

Diwali at the doorstep::celebrations around::??within

While I was returning from Chennai last evening, was wondering how beautiful the sky would look if one landed on the day of Diwali, with crackers adorning the sky- and as I neared Madurai, I was lucky to behold the scene- the city resplendent with lights and the skies offering themselves for visually captivating celebration of the festival of lights- this view from the flight- breathtaking..I have always believed, that the joy brought by festivities, is one of its kind- unparalleled in its simplicity, though associated with numerous complicated rituals - be it purchasing something two days before Diwali on Dhanteras(which for all all my efforts I have failed to, this year) or the correct method of Puja for the particular Festival.
It has been five years that I have been home to celebrate Diwali with my family- though I would not say that time has helped in mitigating the "need to celebrate" the authentic way, but yes when I was almost alone on Diwali in France, the year before last, the feeling was reduced with no body around knowing about the importance of the day- all we did was do a minor puja and cook a range of dishes, an aid in imagining we were a tag bit closer to India. Last year too there were four of us, caught in Bangalore and at the nth moment an invitation from a very senior person at work- one of our colleague's bosses, made the Diwali such an amazingly "close-to-home" feel with all the puja and delicious food. However, this year has not been great till now-though with my cousin Abhu coming tomorrow from Blore, has kindled a tiny ray of hope. It was almost a self hate feeling, when day before yesterday, while wishing everyone in office at Chennai and seeing the delight on people's faces, of going back to a home to enjoy the weekend and the festivity, I felt suddenly so much at a loss- almost deadened inside. Even after I am back at Madurai,and continue the 'novel reading-movies/sitcom watching-phone conversation-dancing/sketching' way of enjoying my own company on a Sunday, the crackling sound outside accompanied by the delighted shrieks of kids, and the aroma of festival goodies being fried, I somehow feel very very alone..unable to rationalise being here ..and grappling at finding something that stops my dangerous acquaintance "tears" from commencing their descent..
But to all of you having a good Diwali- the likes of my married batchmates celebrating their first "married diwali"-or most of the others who are at home:
May the lights herald a new beginning
Of joys untold and unimagined
Of Success,Health and Prosperity
And peace of mind to enjoy it all

Wishing all of you and your families,
A VERY HAPPY and SAFE DEEPAWALI.

P-A-R-E-N-T-S

It is when you are almost convinced you are completely in control of your emotions, that an unimaginable, unexplained surge of pain ,sometimes in the form of tears, or even the heaviness that seems to pull your heart down to your very toe, belittles your emotional confidence.
Almost six years have passed, since I first left home, to explore the environs outside the cushiony walls of parental care, to pursue higher education.Back then, it was some kind of force that propelled me to take such a decision, and more importantly, live by it. Despite every such motivating pull,I was a home-sick kid, who shed tears every time I left home after the vacation. As wise people say, these are symtoms of most children,when they leave home for the first time, and things always mellow down, once a 'home away from home' is found in the golden relationship called "friendship". Ditto for me.In fact, B-School provided me much more than I ever expected-may be dangerously so-.

But when day before yesterday, the train that was to take my parents to Chennai, from where they were to move to Ranchi, started to pull away, I felt that upsurge of painful realisation that their five day trip was over, of having to walk into an empty house again, of dancing my way to cooking (to force myself to enjoy it)- and all of this just melted into tears that started rolling down as if they would never stop. Every step I took towards the exit of the platform was as if with the heaviest stone tied to my foot.The comfort and warmth exuded by the sheer presence of family, of parents, that can never really be substituted,that dissolves all the confused feelings of frustration and irritation that a day's work may bring on,or blooms a good piece of work into a lilly,when it might just be a colourful leaf, by the appreciation showered by them(which the Boss may never come around to do) - in short- the all encompassing feeling of emotional security.However, I wonder how many times one has the courage to mention this to the people who make it happen for us..to express how much it means to have our parents enquire about our day/week,their genuine interest in the mundane to the significant, anything to do with' us';while we act pricy by giving abridged versions of our stories, or hold conversations with a "I know it all" attitude when discussing something important...of how much a single pat on the head, or one bear hig, means a world of happiness that one may shy away from ever accepting..
I hope to do it well and good, some day...soon
While for now- here I am alone again, spending my Sunday with a lappie gorging on the 3rd season of "How I met your Mother" and the muted television in the background,an artificial semblance of company at home!!

Musings on a Sunday afternoon

My Sunday afternoon naps usually are very abrupt and fraught with lot of unrelated incidents dancing around each other as if celebrating the connections, that only my subconscious mind has been privileged with the capability to derive.

So was today, almost like a roller coaster ride, just like this month till now has been- a pendulum-like travel between extremes- when I started the month with quite a disaster at work questioning my self-defined abilities and the like, but was in a way surprised by help that poured in, as some was totally from unexpected quarters.But my first Sunday was graced with a trip that gave me those very precious and seldom experienced "Moment" of sheer unadulterated and pure Joy- the breeziness associated with being in a dream- when I stood in front of the Athirapally Falls (near Cochin)- with that wide expanse and beam of water powerfully hitting the river below, and standing some metres away from it, on a slippery rock, I could feel every sinew and tip of my body drenched with the watery wind.Just did not feel like returning from there, but good things come to an end, all too soon, so did the Sunday, and the week ensued with more work and official visits of people to Madurai. However, my long awaited and looked forward to holiday was still there- my Pune Bombay visit.

Well, I was tipped that my holiday may get cancelled, since it was timed ill with a certain crucial decision at work- but thankfully (at least for once I can thank) it was not cancelled, and as I boarded the flight to Bombay, the last phone call from the all-to-be at work did make me realise the holiday is going to be quite a lot like "work from home", but I didnt mind. I landed at the Bombay airport, and henceforth till I reached Dadar to take the bus to Pune, I was on the crucial call- my heart was racing inside me as I forced my brain to hear every golden word being discussed between the big brains of TN. The bus journey to Pune was also, a miniature of "work while travel and anticipations to meet Deepti after a year"- and what a feeling it was to see her when her Swift came to pick me up near Parihar Chowk. From then on, the three days that followed, were bliss, especially after Verma and Dada joined us. Our Lonavla trip- the beauty around (reminding me of Europe a bit), the Vada Pav (what a relief to eat that again) at Joshi Vadawala's- the drive with the drizzle that made it heavenly,the getting wet- literally drenched at the Bushi Dam, and finally figuring out a way to get the Walnut Fudge from Coopers!! Watching Rock On with four others who had already seen it, especially Sourab who was watching it the thrid time (trust his taste to like that movie so much!!) and the "bakar at CCD" college ishtyle that followed it.

But the last leg of the trip was a little disappointing with the Ganpathy visarjan making me immobile in Bombay and I not being able to meet Harshit and Deepu, whom I was really looking forward to paying a visit to.The trip was an eye opener for me, in many ways that I can express in a partially public forum like this, of the minor realisations (or rather re-realisations) of what I am missing out by leading this all-alone life to the first hand gruelling truth of what our country is moving to - almost making me dreadfully draw a parallel to the novel i was reading then - The Kite Runner- and the country it is set in- if this is what India is choosing for its future, I do not know how long I can sit in inaction in the niche cage of a managerial position of corporate India.

Return to work after that has been a further drawing away from the happy state of being- how attempts at rationalisation and professional(read joyless stone-like) behavior can keep failing unless the spark of self motivation tugs one on. And I have been forced to wonder time and again, if work in itself is a dampener for all- that there cannot be anything as "complete job satisafction" or that I am somehow a misfit in this "corporate culture". The other day I made a colleague of mine the victim of my discomfort and bad mood, which made me introspect later, that when have the tide of things changed so much that I expose my inner feelings so seamlessly to people around,occupying a vulnerable space- or was I always like this, albeit in a much safer and placented zone among friends and well-wishers, and it is only now that I feel like a lost child out in the open??!! Such are the wanderings of my subconcious mind during Sunday afternoon naps...but another Sunday is about to get over soon....I better catch up on something interesting...apart from my list of phonecalls [Thank God I have friends who keep calling me up often :) ]

Like Shivi of 2005 wrote these

"Ankhon mein jiske koi to khwab hai..

khush hai wohi jo thoda betaab hai...

Zindagi mein koi arzoo kijiye...

Phir Dekhiye

Hoton pe jiske..koi toh geet hai..

woh hare bhi toh uski hi jeet hai...

Dil mein jo geet hai..gunguna lijiye..

Phir Dekhiye