the little gal

as she stood in that corner
With her little packets of dreams
hugging them tight,never to let go
waiting for someone to see her
and give her the helping hand she would not ask for
giving every passer by a simle
the corners of which are salty wet
invisible to all,only her dreams can see
tears that have stayed so long
have widened her eyes such

i wish i could walk to her
and give her a warm hug
wipe her face dry
give her eyes some rest
open all her dreams
let them fly around her
filling the air with fragrance and delight
bring that playfulness back to her
see her jumping with joy
not knowing or caring who passes her by
long lost in the comfort of her innocent delight

i wish i could walk to her
and slap her face tight
bring her to face reality
and scorn at the passers by
ask her to walk on
dropping each dreamy packet on the weather beaten way
or just get swallowed by the earth thats waiting to eat her away

Spare some time for this...

Something that can happen to anyone anytime...and what makes each human being realise the sheer power of the unknown- the disease called Cancer.
A case of one of the seniors at work, a perfectly healthy person and the change in his life hence, has made me think a lot.

Attaching the link below and hoping anyone who passes by my blog, does spare some time for this.
http://www.helpabhishek.com

Too good to be true??

Sometimes I feel that as much as one claims to know oneself and understand oneself,what people who know you can come up with during random or serious discussions , can always leave you perplexed and wondering.And so did this line leave me with the Double Question Mark.

A statement like this may or may not really summarise my actions/behavior towards the person concerned,but it really makes me think how the said person,and so many of us, have graduated to a state of existence wherein
"WE JUST DO NOT BELIEVE" - that we tend to begin by mistrusting a person, a situation , a behavior or an event,that something can be pure without any hidden agenda/malice or ulterior motive isnt a possible option in our 'low threshold of trust' minds.
I remember how during my school and early college days I used to be accused (the fact that I use this word,is a case in point of my current state) of being very idealistic and impractically romantic (in the all-encompassing sense of the word); that I believed in a utopian world ,the significant thing being that the utopia was not a dream but a reality I believed existed only if each of us stop this inner urge to judge/mistrust and not waste our energy in finding the follies rather than treasured gifts of every individual. Sounds very very "Moral Science" bookish?
But I did believe in it -one hundred percent. However, I will not claim that I do now. Moving in life, a lot of things/instances/people,blatantly, and even more such, silently, have created this sense of cynicism in me and often I start wondering if I am still too naive,believing what I used to, or am I street smart enough. Am I making myself too vulnerable to someone, is the person's intentions genuine or not.
At work, it gets manifested in a very high capacity, less from me, than by the Big Man at work who can pass as an epitome of mistrusting people. But the fact remains that if he is like this, it may be the result of his experiences too. Ditto for so many of us.But one's behavior to others, one's experiences notwithstanding,I am sure that a basic expectation/hope that each of us subconsciously cherishes is that I am trusted by others..that I don't appear to just be "Too good to be true", posing the more pertinent and action oriented question before me- Can I do the same to others? Can I shed my cynicism and barriers of trust and behave with others how I wish they do with me? Can I begin by trusting ?

Not that I know the answer, but the fact that I have been on both sides , and a lot of us would associate that with the process called 'growing up' and becoming prepared for the world.
However,the little girl in me still thinks- the world after all, is made by us and we can make it So good that it is true

Being a Woman

With Elections over and the almost anti-climatic end (after so much that the Media spent on discussing the possibilities of elections this time around), what I find interesting is the current speculation of whether India will have its first woman speaker. The talk is that the lady from Bihar, a former Civil Servant, Meira Kumar, is the most likely candidate, and the Dy Speaker chair also might find a lady in its place, Sumitra Mahajan from the opposition. Why I find this interesting is that with so much as more than 50 years of Independence behind us, and our proof to not only the sub-continent but also the world, that we are a successful democracy, we have not been democratic even in the positons of power. To our diverse nation, what keeps making headlines is the differential treatment being met on the lines of caste, region and religion, but we have conveniently been ignoring another dividing line: that of gender bias.We still count One Indira Gandhi, one Sonia or Pratibha, one Sarojini Naidu, or now one Meira Kumar. I know that there is always a first time, but I believe for a country like ours, the first time has come so late in most things, and definitely is no where in the scene when one actually goes into the interactions in daily life, that its almost a shame to be calling ourselves a "Democracy" with so much pride.

Well, I dont intend to start a feminist movement, but of late there is something that I have been realising that is making me respect myself more and I think it is to do with Being a Woman.

Deja-vu & Question Marks

Back to blogging,for the person whose Kaleidoscope wants Mercury to keep the momentum going,and most importantly the header is the phrase she used for what my life currently is :" Deja vu"

However, the post has nothing to do with Deja Vu,but what comes after that.

My laptop (and Gtalk ) status summarises my present perfectly:

"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you; It is when you dont understand yourself."
or at least some aspects about yourself, like, what is the reason you are still single??

And so I started gathering some opinion/reflections from my friends-old and new(for perspective of the change I have undergone) and well-wishers.
The observations of people ended up becoming more thought provoking than decision enabling and deserve to make an appearance on my treasured blog

P.S: Hope my friends dont mind my posting these without taking their permission,but if anyone does, I sincerely apologise, because the intent is in no way to belittle ,instead its almost a dedication to all those who love me enough to help me find why some others dont :)

1- "You make a very good friend but somewhere you lack what most men,consciously or sub-consciously,like- 'the feminine mystique'..."

2- "You are ..what is the word for it..boisterous..and so come across as someone who is good to spend time chatting with or hanging out with..period.."

3- " ...it appears that you are too good..as in you have a lot of qualities & talents better than a lot of us..multi-faceted..and hence capable of giving people around you some kind of a complex.."

4- "...men cannot handle women who are smart,funny,intelligent and successful-too good a package in a gal- and so they just get intimidated or awed.. thats what it is"

5- "Men like to find in their woman, things different from themselves, one of that being,taking a lot of care to look good, that is something which may appear as what you dont do, pay attention to or take effort to look good...though you should take this with a pinch of salt, it is very relative..."

6-" Your nature is such that you make men very comfortable in opening up and talking, something that most of them are not accustomed to doing..hence in their mind you are the 'female friend they like to share things with/talk to' and for men,that category is very different from the romantic one"

7- " ..You are simple at heart,but give the perception of being a Drama Queen & too complicated and want others to see you as someone who 'thinks' a lot , though you arent that at the core..this complex part puts off men"

8- "..Its not something IN you, its ABOUT you - you choose to pay more attention to people who dont care much for you, than people who do..the reason you choose such people and then the outcome ..thats the only common link -CHOICE.."

9- " Just get out of that place...so that you stop thinking like this and asking such things!!"

There are comments/opinions here that I agree with , some I dont and some I have never considered about myself. But the most pertinent part remains that my friends have such varied opinions about who I am, and what I appear as. People who know me so well and know the same things about me, end up drawing their own conclusion about me...and so does their opinion about what appeals to the species called :men.

Is it even possible to ever be objective about something when dealing with human beings, because thats what it finally ends up being- somebody's personal opinion, tempered by their experiences,rationalisations and interpretations. Are situations and experiences mutually exclusive of each other or there is a common link that needs to be understood.And so, to what extent should one try to fathom all of these and take decisions that are most practical in their impact ,and cause the least amount of hurt and pain..??

I wish to find an answer...wish to be able to get some way of letting THIS Deja-vu not repeat ...ever again...

Darare darare hain maathe pe maula..Marammad mukaddar ki kar do maula

Arziyan main chehre pe likhke laya hun..
Tumse kya mangu..tum khud hi samajh lo

Maula maula maula mere maula
Darare darare hain maathe pe maula
Marammad mukaddar ki kardo maula

Jo bhi tera dar aaya, jhukne jo sar aaya

Mastiyan piye sabko jhumta nazar aaya

Pyaas leke aya tha dariya woh bhar laya
Noor ki baarish mein bheegta sa tar aaya

Tutke bikharna mujhko zaroor aata hai
Par na ibadat wala shaur aata hai
Sajde mein rehne do
Ab kahin na jaunga
Ab jo tumne thukraya, toh sabar na paunga

Maula maula maula mere maula
Darare darare hain maathe pe maula
Marammad mukaddar ki kardo maula

Sar uthake maine toh kitni khwahishen ki thi
Kitte khwab dekhe the, kitni koshishen ki thi
Jab tu ru-ba-ru aya, nazren na mila paya
Sar jhuka ke ek pal mein, maine kya nahi paya

Maula maula maula maula
Maula maula maula mere maula..............

Change

I have often been told that "Change is the law of nature" and accepting change quickly and easily is the best thing to do.But the true sense of this saying has come home to me,as a striking realisation,only now.
What happens when one has to accept that the most crucial and impactful change has to be made within..when the traits that you have almost loved yourself for, appear to be your most profound weaknesses?the ones that cause the most hurt and pain..to others,but more dangerously to you?
Despite few emotionally traumatising phases or instances in my life, I have always believed that its those very emotions I am capable of feeling to a sane degree of intensity,that have helped me take on whatever has come my way.I have always derived a certain "strength" from people and my relationships with them, most of all friends, which for me form a motley group, and, it is knowing and being a part of all these differences, variety in thought, opinions, feelings and action,that lends me an important part of my character. The conviction that people who matter to me deserve more than a fair share of my time, energy and involvement, has always defined me.And it even goes beyond- to whatever activity I like, appreciate or idealise-to places-and the combination of all these as 'moments' to cherish.

But when I look back at my life, or at the part I would call "adult life", I once in a while do wonder,if what I am , my core personality has not just added but multiplied the instances of grief, hurt and misunderstandings. Has it been for most of these parts my over-involvement,over-emotional internalisation leading to unwanted quanta of enthusiasm and unfair set of expectations from people or situations that matter to me?
Have I been the creator of the "befriend- emotionally invest/invlove-expect-be disappointed" cycle and thus been disappointed and hurt endlessly, from day to day affairs to matters of greater consequence?
And after a fair degree of such wondering and in effect rationalising, the answers come close to a "Yes" to "All of the above": Very very difficult to accept but probably the truth - the big truth that thence requires a stronger and more wilfull change. One that points all its fingers to one word "Detachment" -from people, their thoughts and lives,from relationships, from work, from feelings, from happiness as much as from grief...
May be this is why they preach Nirvana, because they know, howsoever tough it is for a human being to 'handle' pain, it is tougher not to let it 'affect' you in the first place,and toughest not to feel it at all.

But I shall try..and I have started already...

After all..
"Jeene ke liye, socha hi nahi, dard uthane honge
Muskuraye toh muskurane ke karz utarne honge
Muskarao kabhi toh lagta hai
Jaise hoton pe karz rakha hai..."