Musings on a Sunday afternoon

My Sunday afternoon naps usually are very abrupt and fraught with lot of unrelated incidents dancing around each other as if celebrating the connections, that only my subconscious mind has been privileged with the capability to derive.

So was today, almost like a roller coaster ride, just like this month till now has been- a pendulum-like travel between extremes- when I started the month with quite a disaster at work questioning my self-defined abilities and the like, but was in a way surprised by help that poured in, as some was totally from unexpected quarters.But my first Sunday was graced with a trip that gave me those very precious and seldom experienced "Moment" of sheer unadulterated and pure Joy- the breeziness associated with being in a dream- when I stood in front of the Athirapally Falls (near Cochin)- with that wide expanse and beam of water powerfully hitting the river below, and standing some metres away from it, on a slippery rock, I could feel every sinew and tip of my body drenched with the watery wind.Just did not feel like returning from there, but good things come to an end, all too soon, so did the Sunday, and the week ensued with more work and official visits of people to Madurai. However, my long awaited and looked forward to holiday was still there- my Pune Bombay visit.

Well, I was tipped that my holiday may get cancelled, since it was timed ill with a certain crucial decision at work- but thankfully (at least for once I can thank) it was not cancelled, and as I boarded the flight to Bombay, the last phone call from the all-to-be at work did make me realise the holiday is going to be quite a lot like "work from home", but I didnt mind. I landed at the Bombay airport, and henceforth till I reached Dadar to take the bus to Pune, I was on the crucial call- my heart was racing inside me as I forced my brain to hear every golden word being discussed between the big brains of TN. The bus journey to Pune was also, a miniature of "work while travel and anticipations to meet Deepti after a year"- and what a feeling it was to see her when her Swift came to pick me up near Parihar Chowk. From then on, the three days that followed, were bliss, especially after Verma and Dada joined us. Our Lonavla trip- the beauty around (reminding me of Europe a bit), the Vada Pav (what a relief to eat that again) at Joshi Vadawala's- the drive with the drizzle that made it heavenly,the getting wet- literally drenched at the Bushi Dam, and finally figuring out a way to get the Walnut Fudge from Coopers!! Watching Rock On with four others who had already seen it, especially Sourab who was watching it the thrid time (trust his taste to like that movie so much!!) and the "bakar at CCD" college ishtyle that followed it.

But the last leg of the trip was a little disappointing with the Ganpathy visarjan making me immobile in Bombay and I not being able to meet Harshit and Deepu, whom I was really looking forward to paying a visit to.The trip was an eye opener for me, in many ways that I can express in a partially public forum like this, of the minor realisations (or rather re-realisations) of what I am missing out by leading this all-alone life to the first hand gruelling truth of what our country is moving to - almost making me dreadfully draw a parallel to the novel i was reading then - The Kite Runner- and the country it is set in- if this is what India is choosing for its future, I do not know how long I can sit in inaction in the niche cage of a managerial position of corporate India.

Return to work after that has been a further drawing away from the happy state of being- how attempts at rationalisation and professional(read joyless stone-like) behavior can keep failing unless the spark of self motivation tugs one on. And I have been forced to wonder time and again, if work in itself is a dampener for all- that there cannot be anything as "complete job satisafction" or that I am somehow a misfit in this "corporate culture". The other day I made a colleague of mine the victim of my discomfort and bad mood, which made me introspect later, that when have the tide of things changed so much that I expose my inner feelings so seamlessly to people around,occupying a vulnerable space- or was I always like this, albeit in a much safer and placented zone among friends and well-wishers, and it is only now that I feel like a lost child out in the open??!! Such are the wanderings of my subconcious mind during Sunday afternoon naps...but another Sunday is about to get over soon....I better catch up on something interesting...apart from my list of phonecalls [Thank God I have friends who keep calling me up often :) ]

Like Shivi of 2005 wrote these

"Ankhon mein jiske koi to khwab hai..

khush hai wohi jo thoda betaab hai...

Zindagi mein koi arzoo kijiye...

Phir Dekhiye

Hoton pe jiske..koi toh geet hai..

woh hare bhi toh uski hi jeet hai...

Dil mein jo geet hai..gunguna lijiye..

Phir Dekhiye

Great line from FRIENDS (Phoebe again - the character I identify most with)- "People would believe anything you tell them, as long as it is a compliment"

I have still not managed to use the learning from this line: false compliments are still not my cuppa tea

RAJ giri@ Bachna Ae Haseeno

Saw Bachna Ae Haseeno...in Chennai..
Really irked me..in more ways than one- may be it was the over simplified manner of "sinning- realising-asking forgiveness-being redeemed" drama that made me almost smirk with the smugness that "I know it does not end that well in real life" .The swelling up resentment against the character of Ranbir kapur-aka Raj (how the namesake is morally-or rather amorally-different from the predecessor SRK Raj of Yashraj films!), the frivolity of treating another human being's feelings, almost making me realise I was not hating him alone,rather seeing the reflection of something, or somebody in his character.
But i wonder how film makers can make a genuinely potential story for understanding the web of human emotions and feelings,almost a fable- with divine justice being met out to the boy who breaks hearts of women- calling it "Killer Raj giri" , to finally end up in love with a woman, who would refuse to have him, because she is living to an ideal image of a superwoman(I now wonder how stringent is the 'academic rigor' in an Australian B-School, to leave so much time for multiple jobs!), whose scheme of things do not leave space for a man/marriage.
It pained me to see how anybody could show a man who has wronged/caused so much hurt to two women, have the audacity to believe that a mere begging for forgiveness & the sorries of the world, would set things right or turn the course of events that happened in the past. To me,it appeared only a selfish act of seeking redemption when there cannot be any because the person who has been hurt can never get that unhurt feeling or the unchanged future back. May be Mahi was plain lucky (it being a movie) to have a husband whom she deserved more than the guy who she loved and was cheated by, but not everyone who does not have the influence of such an optimistic Director would have that luck. (Btw Kunal Kapur, even in the turban, was a treat to watch- simply because his acting outshone everybody else's , especially the atrocious lip & teeth gritting dialogue delivery of Mimisha Lamba)
Though the character of Raj does philosophise in the end about " The past being something you cannot change, but the future finally depending on what you do Today" , i walked out of the cinema hall with an unsettling feeling -how much does the future actually remain unaffected by such a painful past.
No answers...and i know why..may be i am taking it too personally ...or may be i know "being there", and wishing i had a Kunal Kapur to look forward to :P

The first penned thoughts

Months of brooding depression
Living with only An impression
The voice, the touch, the sheer presence
Whatever was spoken and its essence

Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start

Every object reminds me of him
A song, a place, a photo becomes a pain
Hope keeps struggling with the truth of fact
Memories complicate the present with the past

Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start

Love I never thought I was capable of
Big words: Loyalty, Devotion and thereof
Ideas of Romanticism all that were
Never thought a man could fit with them there

But I did fall in love as I call it
Found it through friendship as I knew it
Ended up with such a big Investment
Every sinew still cries Commitment

Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start

The bane of loving without reciprocation
Yet that exists with no replication
When Friendship is lost and all communication
It’s alive in my soul, beyond comprehension


Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start

But living alone for a while now
I have gotten used to that fate somehow
New melodies have begun to attract me
And lives of other people occupy me

I want to bring love back in my life
Someone who’s meant to be by my side
I am ready for a risk again
Hoping to find a balm to my pain

Yes, Nothing seems to die down in the heart
I can’t even figure out its very start
But how does it matter
I can faintly hear my heart singing
One ending’s enough for another beginning

Created on 12/18/2007 8:44:00 PM

And begin it did, I took the risk again
But what a balm was it to my pain!
A friendship between people so alike
That blossomed well and everything felt so right

Something seemed to be born in my very heart
Yet I couldn’t figure again when it did start

From brief talks to long discussions
Every topic somehow became a conversation
What kept getting longer were our phone sessions
And those hourly updates with the S-M-S function

Something seemed to be born in my heart
I couldn’t figure out its very start

But as the famous saying goes "Somethings never change"
Be it my luck or the pain of being again alone
To relive any such experience seems dreadful now
And yet voices in my head shout aloud
Parents, friends, relatives who do not know
That a relationship is as scary as desirable for me now...

Wish could turn back time and change
The past that lurks loomingly on the safety of the present
And someday live the dreams I cherished
Find love, that lasts and grows by the day.................

The rest Created on 20/04/2008 7:00 PM

Our trip: Kodai and Munar it was...

So the one thing I had been looking for, from the time I have been in Madurai, is also finally over.
After about 2 weeks of being posted in Madurai, Sourav, Srinivasan and I had started planning for the 15th August weekend trip, and zeroed in on Kodaikanal. Well, beyond that I should not be taking the credit for any planning because right from the task of bookings to the tougher one of convincing people (which included starting an email chain with bollywood ishtyle dramatic lines of : "at the crossroads of life.."), and enthusing the mailing list individuals, was shared majorly between Sourav and Srini. I remember how in the usual hectic work day , I waited to open gmail at the end of the day, or sometimes during it, to read some comment that someone interested in the plan has left.
In a way, I was apprehensive about the trip right from the beginning, because in a way, everyone had been in touch with each other after we had passed out in 12th, everyone had been meeting each other on and off- I was the person who had not only left the place physically , but somehow also lost touch with most (Sourav being my sole point of contact with their lives at least)- and i was feeling like i would do a mini Prodigal returning through this trip.
After about two and a half months of planning, we had 7 people finalised for the trip, and 5 people finally being able to make it ( Our very own over burdened Indian railways did not help much resulting in the absence of the other two, who remained Wait Listed on the train and ..the trip).
And the three days thence- from the night out bakars- i was surprised we did open up despite the time gap, all at once- to the travel time singing (or call it producing entertaining noise) , from Kodai to Munar- to the fireplace talks in our beautiful (over big for the final number) cottage, and palm reading in half consciousness- shouting "Rooock Ooon" at the echo point as if trying to leave a mark: we came, we shouted and echoed- it was FUN all the way.We also did manage to have really intense conversation and discussion on issues that plagued us all (the quantum varying for each)- the social obligations of dowry and rituals involved in marriage, the burden of being the " generation in flux" that is neither here nor there on most matters of such social consequences, where an individual desires change but is caught in the complicated web of how to bring it about.
But the Highest point of my trip (the question that Amol posed at me during our 'spin the bottle' game) was when while walking through the most important tourist attraction places in Kodai, called Coakers Walk, we ended up singing (all too loudly), all the TV serial/soap Title tracks of our childhood, the few but memorable ad jingles of the time, the shloka of the Mahabharata and the famous(even enacted by Srini and Sriram at the point) scene from Shaktiman...we were just short of earning money, and as Dad suggested later, we shouldve utilised it for funding some part of our trip :P
Notwithstanding the Post trip blues and almost paralysing effect of the memories on work, I just realised how much such trips mean to me and are precious, not to be missed while the age and opportune time lasts.

..Jhonka sa..

After about one and a half years,i heard the song from Fanaa: " Dekho na"
I had kept my self away from it, deciding that it was a better idea to just let it fade away with time..like so many other things..and had convined myself that it wasnt such a song that burying it in a deep grave would do much harm...and then today, somehow, as i flipped channels settling on V, and got back to work, it started..the tiny ringlets of water floating around with the soft float of that serene and pure music.
The song seemed like a new one, i did not remember the turns of the melody and the intermittent unisons of the instruments;even the words eluded me-but as the song progressed, it slowly started coming back to me-when I was in love with the song, and many other facets of life,when I recognised every string attached to it,when i hummed it in all my evening and night walks...
Was a pleasant and benumbing 5 minutes of the song...but i have quickly shifted to another,lest somthing so painfully tucked away in the cobwebbed corners of my memory, pushes itself out into the still vulnerable present.