Almost a month after the day, I could finally bring myself to write this.
My first Diwali alone.
I know in today's day and age , I wouldn't stand out for having to face this situation, but for me, it still would be a tough nut that I cracked.
It was almost a preparation for not falling prey to the predicted outcome of being alone on Diwali-getting depressed. So i stacked up my DVDs in order, to start my "MAD-urai Movie Marathon" 16th night onwards. In between phone calls from ghar and relatives and distributors wishing on the eve of Diwali itself, and Rani Mukherjee romancing Shahid Kapur ( looking oh so sweet and adorable amidst the flimsy script) and the bat,I managed to sleep peacefully and wake up all excited for D day. Cleaning the house and puja ghar, and dolling myself in new clothes,basically 3 hard worked long hours later, I was tired- physically and mentally. I felt exhausted,trying to fight my nostalgia and 'missing people' sulking and the fight I was putting up with someone, trying to not lose the traditions invloved with Diwali- the cleaning and puja and new clothes and rangoli (which I finally did not make after procastinating for long).So I decided to do something different this Diwali, and gifted my neighbor's son all the mithai and crackers that I had recieved from office,etc. At least the smile on his face and the glint of excitement in his eyes on seeing the big box of crackers was my first high point of the day. I felt very nice about myself and my ability to give away those crackers and mark my very first no-crackers Diwali (am growing up!! ;P )
The numerous phone calls through the day (with the constant earth-shaking noise in the background), though requiring a lot of effort, were a constant reconfirmation of the existence of friends and family, something that always pulls one through when alone. However, my biggest achievement was how the simple line oft forced into moralistic "festival" essays we write as kids,played on my mind enough to make me feel the need to "not " keep up a fight on a day of celebration like Diwali- and this worked so much better than all those long explanations and discussions ever do, to clear the air in a situation of conflict. This realisation was like a breath of fresh air (amidst the smoke ridden air outside and the clutter in my mind inside).
For things like these, if nothing else, I still love festivals, even if I have to be alone to celebrate them.
Happy Diwali always :)
