Diwali at the doorstep::celebrations around::??within

While I was returning from Chennai last evening, was wondering how beautiful the sky would look if one landed on the day of Diwali, with crackers adorning the sky- and as I neared Madurai, I was lucky to behold the scene- the city resplendent with lights and the skies offering themselves for visually captivating celebration of the festival of lights- this view from the flight- breathtaking..I have always believed, that the joy brought by festivities, is one of its kind- unparalleled in its simplicity, though associated with numerous complicated rituals - be it purchasing something two days before Diwali on Dhanteras(which for all all my efforts I have failed to, this year) or the correct method of Puja for the particular Festival.
It has been five years that I have been home to celebrate Diwali with my family- though I would not say that time has helped in mitigating the "need to celebrate" the authentic way, but yes when I was almost alone on Diwali in France, the year before last, the feeling was reduced with no body around knowing about the importance of the day- all we did was do a minor puja and cook a range of dishes, an aid in imagining we were a tag bit closer to India. Last year too there were four of us, caught in Bangalore and at the nth moment an invitation from a very senior person at work- one of our colleague's bosses, made the Diwali such an amazingly "close-to-home" feel with all the puja and delicious food. However, this year has not been great till now-though with my cousin Abhu coming tomorrow from Blore, has kindled a tiny ray of hope. It was almost a self hate feeling, when day before yesterday, while wishing everyone in office at Chennai and seeing the delight on people's faces, of going back to a home to enjoy the weekend and the festivity, I felt suddenly so much at a loss- almost deadened inside. Even after I am back at Madurai,and continue the 'novel reading-movies/sitcom watching-phone conversation-dancing/sketching' way of enjoying my own company on a Sunday, the crackling sound outside accompanied by the delighted shrieks of kids, and the aroma of festival goodies being fried, I somehow feel very very alone..unable to rationalise being here ..and grappling at finding something that stops my dangerous acquaintance "tears" from commencing their descent..
But to all of you having a good Diwali- the likes of my married batchmates celebrating their first "married diwali"-or most of the others who are at home:
May the lights herald a new beginning
Of joys untold and unimagined
Of Success,Health and Prosperity
And peace of mind to enjoy it all

Wishing all of you and your families,
A VERY HAPPY and SAFE DEEPAWALI.

P-A-R-E-N-T-S

It is when you are almost convinced you are completely in control of your emotions, that an unimaginable, unexplained surge of pain ,sometimes in the form of tears, or even the heaviness that seems to pull your heart down to your very toe, belittles your emotional confidence.
Almost six years have passed, since I first left home, to explore the environs outside the cushiony walls of parental care, to pursue higher education.Back then, it was some kind of force that propelled me to take such a decision, and more importantly, live by it. Despite every such motivating pull,I was a home-sick kid, who shed tears every time I left home after the vacation. As wise people say, these are symtoms of most children,when they leave home for the first time, and things always mellow down, once a 'home away from home' is found in the golden relationship called "friendship". Ditto for me.In fact, B-School provided me much more than I ever expected-may be dangerously so-.

But when day before yesterday, the train that was to take my parents to Chennai, from where they were to move to Ranchi, started to pull away, I felt that upsurge of painful realisation that their five day trip was over, of having to walk into an empty house again, of dancing my way to cooking (to force myself to enjoy it)- and all of this just melted into tears that started rolling down as if they would never stop. Every step I took towards the exit of the platform was as if with the heaviest stone tied to my foot.The comfort and warmth exuded by the sheer presence of family, of parents, that can never really be substituted,that dissolves all the confused feelings of frustration and irritation that a day's work may bring on,or blooms a good piece of work into a lilly,when it might just be a colourful leaf, by the appreciation showered by them(which the Boss may never come around to do) - in short- the all encompassing feeling of emotional security.However, I wonder how many times one has the courage to mention this to the people who make it happen for us..to express how much it means to have our parents enquire about our day/week,their genuine interest in the mundane to the significant, anything to do with' us';while we act pricy by giving abridged versions of our stories, or hold conversations with a "I know it all" attitude when discussing something important...of how much a single pat on the head, or one bear hig, means a world of happiness that one may shy away from ever accepting..
I hope to do it well and good, some day...soon
While for now- here I am alone again, spending my Sunday with a lappie gorging on the 3rd season of "How I met your Mother" and the muted television in the background,an artificial semblance of company at home!!