Hmm...another New year eve alone in Madurai but no celebration this time.
Actually would not know what to celebrate with the closing of a year that brought the most brilliantfanasticallyfabulously lovely thing that can happen :)
I havent written for a long time and actually the reason has been the juggling of my state of mind between two extremes of my life- the continued and exponentially increasing frustration at work and ever-so-prolonged stay in this city/lifestyle alongwith the bright new "sunshine" in my life that "says best when says nothing at all" ;)
I spent some time this New Year's Eve too, thinking about my Highs and Lows in 2009and here is what my mind scribbled on my Yellow Pad (meant for jotting down these things and oh-so inspired from Bucket List) had at the end of it, not in the order of importance :
Highs:
1- The Biggest and Best-est (shy & blushing even when scribbling),which culminated in my getting engaged on 21st of November to Mr.smart-cute-caring Digish Parekh (all other adjectives not meant for public consumption :P )
Prior to that day I realised,probably for the first time, what Anxiety attacks meant.Not ever having spent more than an hour in the 'beauty parlor', doing so on 20th started getting on to my nerves, and all through the train journey,even meeting my family the next morning,kept that sense of 'fear as to whether his family/relatives would like me' very alive inside me. Consenting to the wishes of my family memebrs and allowing myself to be dolled up (which for a change made me look good), I remember my walking out of the elevator of his building and flower petals being showered at me (I almost felt like a film star-albeit a shy,embarassed one not used to so much attention).My first step into the house and on lifting my eyelids,my gaze met his encouraging eyes and warm smile - that was also the first time I realised how Anxiety attacks diffuse away leaving a sense of "All izz well" :)
2- My much awaited and looked forward to "Leh-Ladakh" trip. The way the trip unfolded has been discussed and debated by some of us a lot, and though I agree with them , on my part the fascination that this place has held in my heart all these years, was so great that when I was there it was like a Dream - yes, I almost felt that for that entire week, I was floating in a dreamlike existence. The contrast of landscape, weather, food,roads and mood was something to gobble up in that span of time
(That also reminds me of Venice, which also has been one such place I had always imagined about, and when I had visited it I felt out of the world-literally-almost unconnected with the people around me and yet conjoined to the overall place and the heady atmosphere)
3- My first rightfully earned and deserved Performance Bonus- not for the money as much for the 135% Achievement.I have had a little too much of good luck and hence bad habit of "marks,good nos, good performance" obsession.(And anyway looking at the brawl-at -work scenario this year, its "naiyya doobi samjho bas")
4- The way my Bday was celebrated this year- it was a very distinct and unexpected one (and in retrospect in the light of other events that unfolded,seems nice yet interesting in a questioning manner !)
Lows:
1- The LIVING in MAD-urai that continues to go on and on like an endless exile ....I can begin to sense the mental state of trauma fraught with rebellious thoughts,cynicism and forced conditioning that anyone serving a lifeterm in jail would be going through on a daily basis!!
2- Frustration@Professional life - I guess most people feel it. Just has tentacles that keep growing into the very nerves of your body and endangering every other possibilty of small delights of life (Gawd, so much of negative imagery just came to my mind)
3- Part of 2.- the person contributing a very high % to it
4- Something in my family that I wish I could do something about, that gives such a pathetic and angry feeling of helplessness,making me feel like a five year old instead. Ahhhggghhh..grrrrhhh.
5-Radha Aunty leaving us- Hadnt for a moment imagined that when I walked into the Kumaran Hospital on that May afternoon, it would be the last time I would set eyes on her. And yet in a way I was happy that Ma did not see Aunty in that state. The meaning of South Indian delicacies to us, the stopover of our climb to the 8th floor when returning from school,our lift didnt work and we had heavy schoolbags on our shoulders, my bro and I always ran down to the 4th floor, for anything special that was cooked,the connect of our Bhubaneswar and CMPDI colony days that continued to Ranchi. Mom's best friend till date and a very loving and warm Aunty to us and in a matter of less than a year from the detection of Cancer, she left us. I still remember her each time I cross a flat in my colony which has the aroma of home cooked sambhar coming from inside,still the first number in my phonebook for "R" and the searing pain that spreads inside me whenever I go past the Kumaran hospital in Chennai.
On the Engagement day, standing on the rooftop of Hotel Pride, overlooking the same Kumaran hospital, I couldnt help but remember that day and think what it would have been like if she was there on that special day of mine,spreading that cheerful talk that was such a trademark of hers.
God Bless.
6- GrandPa's health- This was a shock. Thats the kind of power a disease like Cancer has,every time for any individual.
WOW..It was an Eventful year-2009
And another year comes that I can only welcome with this thought:
"Give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance, I wanna grow up once again..and I hope the chance is this year :) "
