With the intention of finding some document, I started looking through some of my really old mails in gmail, when I chanced upon some mail written while we (Dada,Pandeji,Jai,Manghani and I)were planning for some trip during exchange- the october of 2006. One mail lead to another, as I read every single of them, going from Oldest>>Newer one after the other.Of bookings made in hostels of Europe to back at MDI, to the more painful post-MDI mails.
Truly, going down memory lane felt like a roller coaster ride, where tears,a big content smile and a hearty laugh were punctuated freely one after the other.Mails from friends, now so distant,some geographically,some emotionally,transporting me to a time and place where there were no distances, when there was no such realisation of a future so different.Words that spoke of bonds so beautifully made during those days- the "exchange experience" and the special close-knit circle(and innumerable truth and dare sessions) it resulted in,the simple innocent expressions of a genuine friend(and I was thrilled when Harshit called today and we could reminisce that),the post MDI mail fever between Cutu(Neetisha) n Billu(thats me) and the life at MDI so perfectly summarised in Rohit's poem "Yaad ata hai mujhko" (wish I had the copyright to post it here!).
If there was one moment given to me at the present, to talk to God, I know what I would want to thank him/her for...as for now, I shall contend myself by expressing sincere gratitude to the makers of email and the immense "memory" it lends :)
Friday, March 6, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
How satisfied are we?
Why has it been such a long time since I have posted anything on my blog?
For some reason(or a host of reasons), almost unknown to me till a few days back, I have been feeling a numbness within me - so to say- and if I were to describe the month of Feb 09,I would use just one word for it- PASSIVE.So I have not been involved much in any action that requires active thinking/expressing- be it reading, sketching, dancing or even talking(where I have been wanting to listen instead of my usual talking)and which means apart from work,all that I have done is mindless passive things-watching movies/sitcoms,cooking,cleaning & eating a lot of medicines.
And while it took me some time to realise all this,and then try hard(and make some other unfortunate people also be party to this trying) and figure out the reason(s) for all of this,I had a very good slice of a conversation with the Big-man-at-work.Obviously the timing was such,it being a month end and nearing year end,that it was more or less bound to be a string of caustic words,but after I hung up, my mind became a little active in racing across times and instances in life, to put all those things that I have done till now(I would refrain from calling them achievements yet)under one roof of "DO they make me feel really satisfied with myself"?
There can be two parts to each of the Binary answers 1-0:
1 (YES):
a) Definitely meaning that I am quite an achiever in life at the age of 25 and hence should feel happy about this and continue this streak
b) I have under estimated my capabilities and over emphasised all such "achievements" either because of the glorification by people around me or as a gradually built self uplifting method.
0 (NO):
a) Whatever people/institutions have to say about these triumphs(if at all), I am not
convinced because I can see them in perspective with so much more and meaningful that 25 year-olds across the globe seem to have achieved.
b) I have completely misplaced understanding of my abilities and intelligence, that arehighly over-rated by me(inlcuding others) and so nothing I do seems to match up to what I see myself doing.
Despite looking at both these aspects,I was also left wondering (coming back to the Big-man-at-work's acerbic words),how often a thought/action gives one a sense of accomplishment,but when no one beside oneself (or a couple of others) can see it in the same light,the lack of appreciation or even acknowledgement diminishes the entire effect? Or am I just incapable of seeing any action in totality unless a judgement is pronounced on it- by others or/and at least by me?When I respect so much of the complexity and mystical delight of the "grey areas" of life, am I also tempted to put everything in Black and White? Leave or take? Criticism or
Appreciation?
Now, the flip side to all these arguments that have been making me want to tear my hair off(and I have been controlling,lest these fast depleting resources be torn off in a second),is the pressure of conclusion making it sometimes leaves one with...and the bigger question that poses its head making all conclusions difficult-
Do we have the intention/capacity to judge ourselves or our actions?
For some reason(or a host of reasons), almost unknown to me till a few days back, I have been feeling a numbness within me - so to say- and if I were to describe the month of Feb 09,I would use just one word for it- PASSIVE.So I have not been involved much in any action that requires active thinking/expressing- be it reading, sketching, dancing or even talking(where I have been wanting to listen instead of my usual talking)and which means apart from work,all that I have done is mindless passive things-watching movies/sitcoms,cooking,cleaning & eating a lot of medicines.
And while it took me some time to realise all this,and then try hard(and make some other unfortunate people also be party to this trying) and figure out the reason(s) for all of this,I had a very good slice of a conversation with the Big-man-at-work.Obviously the timing was such,it being a month end and nearing year end,that it was more or less bound to be a string of caustic words,but after I hung up, my mind became a little active in racing across times and instances in life, to put all those things that I have done till now(I would refrain from calling them achievements yet)under one roof of "DO they make me feel really satisfied with myself"?
There can be two parts to each of the Binary answers 1-0:
1 (YES):
a) Definitely meaning that I am quite an achiever in life at the age of 25 and hence should feel happy about this and continue this streak
b) I have under estimated my capabilities and over emphasised all such "achievements" either because of the glorification by people around me or as a gradually built self uplifting method.
0 (NO):
a) Whatever people/institutions have to say about these triumphs(if at all), I am not
convinced because I can see them in perspective with so much more and meaningful that 25 year-olds across the globe seem to have achieved.
b) I have completely misplaced understanding of my abilities and intelligence, that arehighly over-rated by me(inlcuding others) and so nothing I do seems to match up to what I see myself doing.
Despite looking at both these aspects,I was also left wondering (coming back to the Big-man-at-work's acerbic words),how often a thought/action gives one a sense of accomplishment,but when no one beside oneself (or a couple of others) can see it in the same light,the lack of appreciation or even acknowledgement diminishes the entire effect? Or am I just incapable of seeing any action in totality unless a judgement is pronounced on it- by others or/and at least by me?When I respect so much of the complexity and mystical delight of the "grey areas" of life, am I also tempted to put everything in Black and White? Leave or take? Criticism or
Appreciation?
Now, the flip side to all these arguments that have been making me want to tear my hair off(and I have been controlling,lest these fast depleting resources be torn off in a second),is the pressure of conclusion making it sometimes leaves one with...and the bigger question that poses its head making all conclusions difficult-
Do we have the intention/capacity to judge ourselves or our actions?
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