My first Diwali alone

Almost a month after the day, I could finally bring myself to write this.

My first Diwali alone.

I know in today's day and age , I wouldn't stand out for having to face this situation, but for me, it still would be a tough nut that I cracked.
It was almost a preparation for not falling prey to the predicted outcome of being alone on Diwali-getting depressed. So i stacked up my DVDs in order, to start my "MAD-urai Movie Marathon" 16th night onwards. In between phone calls from ghar and relatives and distributors wishing on the eve of Diwali itself, and Rani Mukherjee romancing Shahid Kapur ( looking oh so sweet and adorable amidst the flimsy script) and the bat,I managed to sleep peacefully and wake up all excited for D day. Cleaning the house and puja ghar, and dolling myself in new clothes,basically 3 hard worked long hours later, I was tired- physically and mentally. I felt exhausted,trying to fight my nostalgia and 'missing people' sulking and the fight I was putting up with someone, trying to not lose the traditions invloved with Diwali- the cleaning and puja and new clothes and rangoli (which I finally did not make after procastinating for long).So I decided to do something different this Diwali, and gifted my neighbor's son all the mithai and crackers that I had recieved from office,etc. At least the smile on his face and the glint of excitement in his eyes on seeing the big box of crackers was my first high point of the day. I felt very nice about myself and my ability to give away those crackers and mark my very first no-crackers Diwali (am growing up!! ;P )

The numerous phone calls through the day (with the constant earth-shaking noise in the background), though requiring a lot of effort, were a constant reconfirmation of the existence of friends and family, something that always pulls one through when alone. However, my biggest achievement was how the simple line oft forced into moralistic "festival" essays we write as kids,played on my mind enough to make me feel the need to "not " keep up a fight on a day of celebration like Diwali- and this worked so much better than all those long explanations and discussions ever do, to clear the air in a situation of conflict. This realisation was like a breath of fresh air (amidst the smoke ridden air outside and the clutter in my mind inside).

For things like these, if nothing else, I still love festivals, even if I have to be alone to celebrate them.

Happy Diwali always :)

Ajab Prem...

Guess,this has been written keeping hopeless romantics,like me, in mind :

"Kuchh yaar nazar nahi aata, gharbar nazar nahi aata,sansar nazar nahi aata..
Jab pyaar hota hai..." :P

Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani ..or
Ajab Premiyon ki Ghazab short-sightedness

Yes so I made a really big effort to watch Wake Up Sid.
Travelled two continuous nights in A/C Non Volvo, to watch Mr. Ranbir Kapoor supposedly give the best performance till date and Konkana Sen Sharma act in a Karan Johar production.
To say the least I was not impressed...in fact angry at moments, and disturbed too.

So the movie has nothing new to offer...its Lakshya tossed with Dil Chahta Hai 'yippie'ness and 'cool'dom.
But what bothers me most IN the movie is Ms.Ayesh...aa - 27 year old woman who wants to be "independent",defined by earning for yourself, living alone, cooking and washing and managing your house - basically,do everything yourself and enjoy your company(wait till you are posted in MADurai for one and a half years!!anyway). So all of this is fine. But how does she go about doing this?? by simply moving to Bombay, with nothing else than ONE interview as a Plan, taking up a spacious appartment with a breathtaking view in Bombay and furnishing it with, yes arty,but still very expensive stuff (ask me who has furnished her appartment and managed to stay afloat) and mind you in all this, she hasn't yet found a job; then hopping to 'Mumbai Masala' , her only hope, her dream publication,and giving a 'I will clean your desk creatively' kind of sweeping off the editor (!!!) statement to make it for the job, and stay put in Bombay.
Also (as Deepti pointed out to me and I completely agreed), Mr. Lost Sid so conveniently and predictably finds his passion and gifted talent of photography to see him through, that the real angst which one could have felt with him, transforms into almost an envious unacceptance.

Disturbing-- Disappointing

Okay so I am a lover of the Yash Chopra - Karan Johar Romantic fantasies, but when they promise to be fantasies that I can perch up and look at with stars in my eyes and dreams fluttering in my heart. When with that kind of fluffiness they enter a world with attempts at "identifiable character"creation and then give them no body , it is very unsettling and definitely unacceptable.

Not that the movie was that bad,it did not have great insights,but surely some good moments, my favorite being when Ayesha calls home just after Sid has moved out of her appartment, telling her parents she is missing them a lot.

Now what bothers me AROUND the movie- has to be Mr.MNS maker aka potential Talibanising India guru, Raj Thakeray's publicity at the cost of this movie.
Wake Up Sid- Ten minutes into the movie and anyone, I mean ANYONE, can feel that this movie is like a TRIBUTE to Bombay; and trust me you do not have to be a Bombay-ite to feel that (This coming from a person who has hardly seen the place but is very biased against it).Also, the attempt to make the audience fall in love with the city is the one attempt in the movie, I would say, which comes close to some success. Now for all this, Mr.Marathi Manus, turns blind to SUCH a big favor a movie maker is doing to the city and all that is visible (oh sorry )..audilble to him are the two syllables: Bom-bay..!!

P.S: I am so happy I am no Karan Johar and can call a city what I feel like calling.

I am back after my so-very-long hiatus...and it is purely to save myself from what I fear the most.."fading away"(will write a post on that some day when I am very very inspired probably :P )..but for now I dedicate myself to one of my loves...writing

boond boond...

I can see the rain from my room
the drops falling, slipping, settling
on whatever that comes their way
not thinking,hesitating or restraining
just letting themselves fall by

I can hear the rain from my room
Lashing against the windows
Beating the ground, hurting themselves
the drops still touch the surfaces
that give music to their fall

I can smell the rain from my room
Mingled with every breeze that reaches out
Fused with every grain of the soil
freshening it with a scent so fine
being absorbed by it,not knowing why

I wish I could be like the rain outside
Hit myself and not feel the pain
create a beauty no artist could capture
produce a music only hearbeats could murmur
spread the heady fragrance only a new romance could parallel
not "have" to live ...just be myself

Y-S-W-L-A : Young Single Women Living Alone

Would like to add SMART to that list :P

http://getahead.rediff.com/slide-show/2009/jul/22/slide-show-1-young-single-women-who-live-home-alone.htm

Interesting read ..part agree and part disagree, but then there isnt an opinion on living alone in a town like Madurai,so!

Goes out as a tribute to Deepti Pande :) //you know why//

the little gal

as she stood in that corner
With her little packets of dreams
hugging them tight,never to let go
waiting for someone to see her
and give her the helping hand she would not ask for
giving every passer by a simle
the corners of which are salty wet
invisible to all,only her dreams can see
tears that have stayed so long
have widened her eyes such

i wish i could walk to her
and give her a warm hug
wipe her face dry
give her eyes some rest
open all her dreams
let them fly around her
filling the air with fragrance and delight
bring that playfulness back to her
see her jumping with joy
not knowing or caring who passes her by
long lost in the comfort of her innocent delight

i wish i could walk to her
and slap her face tight
bring her to face reality
and scorn at the passers by
ask her to walk on
dropping each dreamy packet on the weather beaten way
or just get swallowed by the earth thats waiting to eat her away

Spare some time for this...

Something that can happen to anyone anytime...and what makes each human being realise the sheer power of the unknown- the disease called Cancer.
A case of one of the seniors at work, a perfectly healthy person and the change in his life hence, has made me think a lot.

Attaching the link below and hoping anyone who passes by my blog, does spare some time for this.
http://www.helpabhishek.com

Too good to be true??

Sometimes I feel that as much as one claims to know oneself and understand oneself,what people who know you can come up with during random or serious discussions , can always leave you perplexed and wondering.And so did this line leave me with the Double Question Mark.

A statement like this may or may not really summarise my actions/behavior towards the person concerned,but it really makes me think how the said person,and so many of us, have graduated to a state of existence wherein
"WE JUST DO NOT BELIEVE" - that we tend to begin by mistrusting a person, a situation , a behavior or an event,that something can be pure without any hidden agenda/malice or ulterior motive isnt a possible option in our 'low threshold of trust' minds.
I remember how during my school and early college days I used to be accused (the fact that I use this word,is a case in point of my current state) of being very idealistic and impractically romantic (in the all-encompassing sense of the word); that I believed in a utopian world ,the significant thing being that the utopia was not a dream but a reality I believed existed only if each of us stop this inner urge to judge/mistrust and not waste our energy in finding the follies rather than treasured gifts of every individual. Sounds very very "Moral Science" bookish?
But I did believe in it -one hundred percent. However, I will not claim that I do now. Moving in life, a lot of things/instances/people,blatantly, and even more such, silently, have created this sense of cynicism in me and often I start wondering if I am still too naive,believing what I used to, or am I street smart enough. Am I making myself too vulnerable to someone, is the person's intentions genuine or not.
At work, it gets manifested in a very high capacity, less from me, than by the Big Man at work who can pass as an epitome of mistrusting people. But the fact remains that if he is like this, it may be the result of his experiences too. Ditto for so many of us.But one's behavior to others, one's experiences notwithstanding,I am sure that a basic expectation/hope that each of us subconsciously cherishes is that I am trusted by others..that I don't appear to just be "Too good to be true", posing the more pertinent and action oriented question before me- Can I do the same to others? Can I shed my cynicism and barriers of trust and behave with others how I wish they do with me? Can I begin by trusting ?

Not that I know the answer, but the fact that I have been on both sides , and a lot of us would associate that with the process called 'growing up' and becoming prepared for the world.
However,the little girl in me still thinks- the world after all, is made by us and we can make it So good that it is true

Being a Woman

With Elections over and the almost anti-climatic end (after so much that the Media spent on discussing the possibilities of elections this time around), what I find interesting is the current speculation of whether India will have its first woman speaker. The talk is that the lady from Bihar, a former Civil Servant, Meira Kumar, is the most likely candidate, and the Dy Speaker chair also might find a lady in its place, Sumitra Mahajan from the opposition. Why I find this interesting is that with so much as more than 50 years of Independence behind us, and our proof to not only the sub-continent but also the world, that we are a successful democracy, we have not been democratic even in the positons of power. To our diverse nation, what keeps making headlines is the differential treatment being met on the lines of caste, region and religion, but we have conveniently been ignoring another dividing line: that of gender bias.We still count One Indira Gandhi, one Sonia or Pratibha, one Sarojini Naidu, or now one Meira Kumar. I know that there is always a first time, but I believe for a country like ours, the first time has come so late in most things, and definitely is no where in the scene when one actually goes into the interactions in daily life, that its almost a shame to be calling ourselves a "Democracy" with so much pride.

Well, I dont intend to start a feminist movement, but of late there is something that I have been realising that is making me respect myself more and I think it is to do with Being a Woman.

Deja-vu & Question Marks

Back to blogging,for the person whose Kaleidoscope wants Mercury to keep the momentum going,and most importantly the header is the phrase she used for what my life currently is :" Deja vu"

However, the post has nothing to do with Deja Vu,but what comes after that.

My laptop (and Gtalk ) status summarises my present perfectly:

"The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you; It is when you dont understand yourself."
or at least some aspects about yourself, like, what is the reason you are still single??

And so I started gathering some opinion/reflections from my friends-old and new(for perspective of the change I have undergone) and well-wishers.
The observations of people ended up becoming more thought provoking than decision enabling and deserve to make an appearance on my treasured blog

P.S: Hope my friends dont mind my posting these without taking their permission,but if anyone does, I sincerely apologise, because the intent is in no way to belittle ,instead its almost a dedication to all those who love me enough to help me find why some others dont :)

1- "You make a very good friend but somewhere you lack what most men,consciously or sub-consciously,like- 'the feminine mystique'..."

2- "You are ..what is the word for it..boisterous..and so come across as someone who is good to spend time chatting with or hanging out with..period.."

3- " ...it appears that you are too good..as in you have a lot of qualities & talents better than a lot of us..multi-faceted..and hence capable of giving people around you some kind of a complex.."

4- "...men cannot handle women who are smart,funny,intelligent and successful-too good a package in a gal- and so they just get intimidated or awed.. thats what it is"

5- "Men like to find in their woman, things different from themselves, one of that being,taking a lot of care to look good, that is something which may appear as what you dont do, pay attention to or take effort to look good...though you should take this with a pinch of salt, it is very relative..."

6-" Your nature is such that you make men very comfortable in opening up and talking, something that most of them are not accustomed to doing..hence in their mind you are the 'female friend they like to share things with/talk to' and for men,that category is very different from the romantic one"

7- " ..You are simple at heart,but give the perception of being a Drama Queen & too complicated and want others to see you as someone who 'thinks' a lot , though you arent that at the core..this complex part puts off men"

8- "..Its not something IN you, its ABOUT you - you choose to pay more attention to people who dont care much for you, than people who do..the reason you choose such people and then the outcome ..thats the only common link -CHOICE.."

9- " Just get out of that place...so that you stop thinking like this and asking such things!!"

There are comments/opinions here that I agree with , some I dont and some I have never considered about myself. But the most pertinent part remains that my friends have such varied opinions about who I am, and what I appear as. People who know me so well and know the same things about me, end up drawing their own conclusion about me...and so does their opinion about what appeals to the species called :men.

Is it even possible to ever be objective about something when dealing with human beings, because thats what it finally ends up being- somebody's personal opinion, tempered by their experiences,rationalisations and interpretations. Are situations and experiences mutually exclusive of each other or there is a common link that needs to be understood.And so, to what extent should one try to fathom all of these and take decisions that are most practical in their impact ,and cause the least amount of hurt and pain..??

I wish to find an answer...wish to be able to get some way of letting THIS Deja-vu not repeat ...ever again...

Darare darare hain maathe pe maula..Marammad mukaddar ki kar do maula

Arziyan main chehre pe likhke laya hun..
Tumse kya mangu..tum khud hi samajh lo

Maula maula maula mere maula
Darare darare hain maathe pe maula
Marammad mukaddar ki kardo maula

Jo bhi tera dar aaya, jhukne jo sar aaya

Mastiyan piye sabko jhumta nazar aaya

Pyaas leke aya tha dariya woh bhar laya
Noor ki baarish mein bheegta sa tar aaya

Tutke bikharna mujhko zaroor aata hai
Par na ibadat wala shaur aata hai
Sajde mein rehne do
Ab kahin na jaunga
Ab jo tumne thukraya, toh sabar na paunga

Maula maula maula mere maula
Darare darare hain maathe pe maula
Marammad mukaddar ki kardo maula

Sar uthake maine toh kitni khwahishen ki thi
Kitte khwab dekhe the, kitni koshishen ki thi
Jab tu ru-ba-ru aya, nazren na mila paya
Sar jhuka ke ek pal mein, maine kya nahi paya

Maula maula maula maula
Maula maula maula mere maula..............

Change

I have often been told that "Change is the law of nature" and accepting change quickly and easily is the best thing to do.But the true sense of this saying has come home to me,as a striking realisation,only now.
What happens when one has to accept that the most crucial and impactful change has to be made within..when the traits that you have almost loved yourself for, appear to be your most profound weaknesses?the ones that cause the most hurt and pain..to others,but more dangerously to you?
Despite few emotionally traumatising phases or instances in my life, I have always believed that its those very emotions I am capable of feeling to a sane degree of intensity,that have helped me take on whatever has come my way.I have always derived a certain "strength" from people and my relationships with them, most of all friends, which for me form a motley group, and, it is knowing and being a part of all these differences, variety in thought, opinions, feelings and action,that lends me an important part of my character. The conviction that people who matter to me deserve more than a fair share of my time, energy and involvement, has always defined me.And it even goes beyond- to whatever activity I like, appreciate or idealise-to places-and the combination of all these as 'moments' to cherish.

But when I look back at my life, or at the part I would call "adult life", I once in a while do wonder,if what I am , my core personality has not just added but multiplied the instances of grief, hurt and misunderstandings. Has it been for most of these parts my over-involvement,over-emotional internalisation leading to unwanted quanta of enthusiasm and unfair set of expectations from people or situations that matter to me?
Have I been the creator of the "befriend- emotionally invest/invlove-expect-be disappointed" cycle and thus been disappointed and hurt endlessly, from day to day affairs to matters of greater consequence?
And after a fair degree of such wondering and in effect rationalising, the answers come close to a "Yes" to "All of the above": Very very difficult to accept but probably the truth - the big truth that thence requires a stronger and more wilfull change. One that points all its fingers to one word "Detachment" -from people, their thoughts and lives,from relationships, from work, from feelings, from happiness as much as from grief...
May be this is why they preach Nirvana, because they know, howsoever tough it is for a human being to 'handle' pain, it is tougher not to let it 'affect' you in the first place,and toughest not to feel it at all.

But I shall try..and I have started already...

After all..
"Jeene ke liye, socha hi nahi, dard uthane honge
Muskuraye toh muskurane ke karz utarne honge
Muskarao kabhi toh lagta hai
Jaise hoton pe karz rakha hai..."

The Mail-box memories

With the intention of finding some document, I started looking through some of my really old mails in gmail, when I chanced upon some mail written while we (Dada,Pandeji,Jai,Manghani and I)were planning for some trip during exchange- the october of 2006. One mail lead to another, as I read every single of them, going from Oldest>>Newer one after the other.Of bookings made in hostels of Europe to back at MDI, to the more painful post-MDI mails.


Truly, going down memory lane felt like a roller coaster ride, where tears,a big content smile and a hearty laugh were punctuated freely one after the other.Mails from friends, now so distant,some geographically,some emotionally,transporting me to a time and place where there were no distances, when there was no such realisation of a future so different.Words that spoke of bonds so beautifully made during those days- the "exchange experience" and the special close-knit circle(and innumerable truth and dare sessions) it resulted in,the simple innocent expressions of a genuine friend(and I was thrilled when Harshit called today and we could reminisce that),the post MDI mail fever between Cutu(Neetisha) n Billu(thats me) and the life at MDI so perfectly summarised in Rohit's poem "Yaad ata hai mujhko" (wish I had the copyright to post it here!).

If there was one moment given to me at the present, to talk to God, I know what I would want to thank him/her for...as for now, I shall contend myself by expressing sincere gratitude to the makers of email and the immense "memory" it lends :)

How satisfied are we?

Why has it been such a long time since I have posted anything on my blog?
For some reason(or a host of reasons), almost unknown to me till a few days back, I have been feeling a numbness within me - so to say- and if I were to describe the month of Feb 09,I would use just one word for it- PASSIVE.So I have not been involved much in any action that requires active thinking/expressing- be it reading, sketching, dancing or even talking(where I have been wanting to listen instead of my usual talking)and which means apart from work,all that I have done is mindless passive things-watching movies/sitcoms,cooking,cleaning & eating a lot of medicines.
And while it took me some time to realise all this,and then try hard(and make some other unfortunate people also be party to this trying) and figure out the reason(s) for all of this,I had a very good slice of a conversation with the Big-man-at-work.Obviously the timing was such,it being a month end and nearing year end,that it was more or less bound to be a string of caustic words,but after I hung up, my mind became a little active in racing across times and instances in life, to put all those things that I have done till now(I would refrain from calling them achievements yet)under one roof of "DO they make me feel really satisfied with myself"?

There can be two parts to each of the Binary answers 1-0:
1 (YES):
a) Definitely meaning that I am quite an achiever in life at the age of 25 and hence should feel happy about this and continue this streak
b) I have under estimated my capabilities and over emphasised all such "achievements" either because of the glorification by people around me or as a gradually built self uplifting method.

0 (NO):
a) Whatever people/institutions have to say about these triumphs(if at all), I am not
convinced because I can see them in perspective with so much more and meaningful that 25 year-olds across the globe seem to have achieved.
b) I have completely misplaced understanding of my abilities and intelligence, that arehighly over-rated by me(inlcuding others) and so nothing I do seems to match up to what I see myself doing.

Despite looking at both these aspects,I was also left wondering (coming back to the Big-man-at-work's acerbic words),how often a thought/action gives one a sense of accomplishment,but when no one beside oneself (or a couple of others) can see it in the same light,the lack of appreciation or even acknowledgement diminishes the entire effect? Or am I just incapable of seeing any action in totality unless a judgement is pronounced on it- by others or/and at least by me?When I respect so much of the complexity and mystical delight of the "grey areas" of life, am I also tempted to put everything in Black and White? Leave or take? Criticism or
Appreciation?
Now, the flip side to all these arguments that have been making me want to tear my hair off(and I have been controlling,lest these fast depleting resources be torn off in a second),is the pressure of conclusion making it sometimes leaves one with...and the bigger question that poses its head making all conclusions difficult-
Do we have the intention/capacity to judge ourselves or our actions?

One more wicket down!

So finally the shaadi that all of us, cousins, were so excited about, which we made our Di from US stay back for [much against our Jiju's wishes ;) ]- Devla weds Amritesh "sampann hui" (Had to write this in Hindi for the desired effect).One more wicket down!

All the excitement which the very first day of Feb had heralded with it, reached its peak, when I boarded the train for Chennai on 7th,so full of enthusiasm, that my heart already was flying to the destination of all the ceremonies,much before the train-flight-flight journey could carry me there physically.A good night-out in Chennai on the 7th notwithstanding, I felt very fresh, when I saw my cousin Abhra at the Calcutta airport in the wee hours of 8th, while we together covered the last lap of our journey from Cal to Patna. How amazing it was to see the entire "kutumb" especially all the cousins together, someone busy with her Mehndi, someone chatting away to glory, others trying to remember a befitting "Mehndi" song- Ah! I felt I am back to "humanity" and "society". The next 48 hours (almost exact) were a blast, needless to say. I had all the "shaadi ka fun", what with all the dressing up, singing, dancing(The Major draw for me was the Sangeet Ceremony, especially as I finally fulfilled one of my long pending wishes to wear an Anarkali Suit and look tolerably presentable in it),ceremonies' knowledge induction(I am still very ignorant about all of them) and meeting Jijaji.

But amidst all the fun and frolic, I couldnt help but feel a sense of being a misfit,and the realisation was very unsettling. How much can I ever accept all the traditions involved, without genuinely being surprised at how dated,impractical and patriarchal they are.And of course, the entire gamut of all the ceremonies and celebrations that look very inviting and enjoyable,but involve so much of thankless event management by the bride's family, especially parents, not to forget the vulgar amount of money that gets spent in the process (and I cannot for the life of me understand or rather accept why it has to be borne by the bride/her family only, when it is both the sides that are party to the institution of marriage). As I kept "tea-coffee"ing my halucinated and completely sleep induced mind to remain awake through my 20 hour journey back to my solitary base, these thoughts kept coming back to me to jolt me into what now scarily looks to be quite an interesting and rocky future for me :P

B'Day 09

My Birthday 2009 was a mix of one of the most horrendous and difficult 24hours and as far as I can remember one of the few days where I have been made to feel so special.
However, for both, and f0r the completely unexpected but very touching and sweet gestures of all the people,directly and indirectly responsible, this birthday will always go down as a very special one.

The sorry state of affairs in India

After watching the movie Shubhas Chandra Bose on TV yesterday, I was discussing with one of my friends about the role women played in the INA formed under Rashbihari & Shubhas Chandra Bose.
From the link below, what can be felt is too strong a grief to write about :
http://www.hinduonnet.com/thehindu/thscrip/print.pl?file=2008083150170500.htm&date=2008/08/31/&prd=mag&

A gesture to remember

This post comes because of someone's suggestion, but the incident it is about,is one that truly touched my heart.

Actually in more ways than one, today has been a good day- I got a very heartening news about a friend and the final seal on Dad buying a new car (nagging really helps sometimes!).
Now there is something I have never understood- how do people always understand whenever I am not well- both in the way I answer my phone (as is claimed by one and all) or as happened today in my depot- the "dullness" on my face ! I would like to believe that I do not take myself too seriously, and such 'vulnerably embarassing' incidents always put me on an unsure foot. So coming back to today at office (which is the C& F -Carrying & Forwarding- area of biscuits). To everyone I 'looked dull and defintely unwell' .The lady who assists me in 'Information Management' at work -my Depot MIS(thats what she is officially called),Anandi, went home as usual for lunch, but came back with a bag in her hand, containing freshly prepared "rasam,rice,chutney, vegetable and aplam". This was because Rasam is supposedly helpful in cold, and would help soothe my throat (which was going hoarse with my incessant coughing since morning). At the risk of not matching up to expressing what I actually felt at that moment, I would put some words to it-I was absolutely,deeply, touched by this sweet gesture-something so commonplace as a supposed cold/fever to be rewarded with such a thoughtful act, made me truly feel special. And I thanked God in all sincerity, for all such pleasantly surprising support that I have,in my current loner-like existence.

P.S: While penning this down, I noticed "Jodha Akhbar" on TV on a Tamil Channel, but on 'um-muting' it,I was shocked to hear Hrithik speak such flawless Tamil- well, why was I even surprised ;)

Ek aur khayal..

Saath nahi rehne se rishte nahi tuta karte,

Waqt ki dhund se lamhe nahi chhuta karte,

Log kehte hain mera sapna tut gaya,

Tuti hai neend, sapne nahi tuta karte...

Welcoming 2009

A very Happy New Year to all..and me..

It was a special New Year's eve celebration this time, alone at my place in Madurai. I did the small things that I felt like doing - from wearing the clothes i havent worn since my France visit, enjoying watching kids performing in a dance competition in my colony, dancing to some of my favorite numbers, reading " The Fountainhead", attending phone calls(some from unexpected people)and cutting a cake at the exact moment of the clock chimming 12.

But I think the best thing about ushering in this new year was the reminiscing I did, and how it made me feel- The difference between the New Year eve of 2007, 2008 and now 2009- from the overwhelming feeling of loss and pain to an unsaid unwritten but purely felt joy - not with the world around but the world within, the realisation of something about myself which I had never expected or credited myself to possess in this intensity- strength-conceivable in all possible dimensions and expressions.

It had nothing to do with a better future being expected, but the absolute realisation of today's existence and the sheer human capacity to live both by seizing the moment: CARPE DIEM

I just pray this graph continues with the same slope...in my mind at least... :)