I have never understood how "demons" of the past have so much strength and capacity to roar back to life at the most unexpected, inopportune moment and it so easily becomes a tornado that keeps sucking you in.It is even more surprising to note that one's memory becomes a ready accomplice in this plot, making afresh all those instances in rapid succession, that add to the inner forces of that tornado.
While I was in its grip last evening, and into today,it makes me impatiently angry,to not be able to pull myself out of it.
Which kid would not have had instances of being teased,for something or the other.Which adult would not have gone through the pains of comparative self-criticism.Society is made that way,where we spend all our initial years tying to fall in line with the norm,or defy it precisley to attain the same objective as -gain appreciation,applause or a sense of envy that people feel for us- and grow up to realise that we have to work the rest of our lives to make a "distinctive" mark in the same society,keeping the measures of success the same.Why then, on knowing and understanding all of this, it still becomes difficult to ignore the "what I lack and he/she has/is blessed with" and focus on "what I have and how to make best of it". Why is it always so easy to show this to someone else, and when it comes to oneself,we always tend to forget it.
I look at someone and feel he/she is so lucky to have the perfect body or is so good-looking,they would look good in everything they put on and may be their good looks helps them score a brownie point in a lot of things/with a lot of people who automatically get softened by a pretty face. Or I look at someone who belongs to a "Rich" family and though I am a big professor of "self-made" success,money and all things that it can buy,I still feel jealous at times when I am tempted to travel to an exotic location or drool over a breathtakingly beautiful dress.For a long time in life, I have been able to convince myself that I have the best combo- Being a middle-class Fatso,the expensive dress is not such a big loss because it would never make me look as 'awesome' as a thin chic !! But of late, I seem to be losing the ability to concort such rationalisations to glorify my existence,and there are these moments when I get pulled into the whirlwind of "everything that is wrong with me".
I just wish there was some mechanism by which whenever one feels this way, there could be a mirror showing us how someone else feels the exact same thing about us and one can get some perspective to bounce back and enjoy life..Usually a good moral building story, or a movie is able to bring about this realisation through relevant juxtapositions, and guess even Life does it all the time,its just the lens one dons that makes all the difference.
As my Mom always says- " Nazariya badlo, nazaare badlenge..."
Wish it was as easy to do as to say that.
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