Its been a full year since I have written!!..and this realisation shook me a little right now
2010 was an eventful year for me- change of Job..change of relationship status ,et al :)
But my Big New Year Resolution is to write..a lot and get back to writing verse too :)
On that note, welcoming myself back
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Tata 2009
Hmm...another New year eve alone in Madurai but no celebration this time.
Actually would not know what to celebrate with the closing of a year that brought the most brilliantfanasticallyfabulously lovely thing that can happen :)
I havent written for a long time and actually the reason has been the juggling of my state of mind between two extremes of my life- the continued and exponentially increasing frustration at work and ever-so-prolonged stay in this city/lifestyle alongwith the bright new "sunshine" in my life that "says best when says nothing at all" ;)
I spent some time this New Year's Eve too, thinking about my Highs and Lows in 2009and here is what my mind scribbled on my Yellow Pad (meant for jotting down these things and oh-so inspired from Bucket List) had at the end of it, not in the order of importance :
Highs:
1- The Biggest and Best-est (shy & blushing even when scribbling),which culminated in my getting engaged on 21st of November to Mr.smart-cute-caring Digish Parekh (all other adjectives not meant for public consumption :P )
Prior to that day I realised,probably for the first time, what Anxiety attacks meant.Not ever having spent more than an hour in the 'beauty parlor', doing so on 20th started getting on to my nerves, and all through the train journey,even meeting my family the next morning,kept that sense of 'fear as to whether his family/relatives would like me' very alive inside me. Consenting to the wishes of my family memebrs and allowing myself to be dolled up (which for a change made me look good), I remember my walking out of the elevator of his building and flower petals being showered at me (I almost felt like a film star-albeit a shy,embarassed one not used to so much attention).My first step into the house and on lifting my eyelids,my gaze met his encouraging eyes and warm smile - that was also the first time I realised how Anxiety attacks diffuse away leaving a sense of "All izz well" :)
2- My much awaited and looked forward to "Leh-Ladakh" trip. The way the trip unfolded has been discussed and debated by some of us a lot, and though I agree with them , on my part the fascination that this place has held in my heart all these years, was so great that when I was there it was like a Dream - yes, I almost felt that for that entire week, I was floating in a dreamlike existence. The contrast of landscape, weather, food,roads and mood was something to gobble up in that span of time
(That also reminds me of Venice, which also has been one such place I had always imagined about, and when I had visited it I felt out of the world-literally-almost unconnected with the people around me and yet conjoined to the overall place and the heady atmosphere)
3- My first rightfully earned and deserved Performance Bonus- not for the money as much for the 135% Achievement.I have had a little too much of good luck and hence bad habit of "marks,good nos, good performance" obsession.(And anyway looking at the brawl-at -work scenario this year, its "naiyya doobi samjho bas")
4- The way my Bday was celebrated this year- it was a very distinct and unexpected one (and in retrospect in the light of other events that unfolded,seems nice yet interesting in a questioning manner !)
Lows:
1- The LIVING in MAD-urai that continues to go on and on like an endless exile ....I can begin to sense the mental state of trauma fraught with rebellious thoughts,cynicism and forced conditioning that anyone serving a lifeterm in jail would be going through on a daily basis!!
2- Frustration@Professional life - I guess most people feel it. Just has tentacles that keep growing into the very nerves of your body and endangering every other possibilty of small delights of life (Gawd, so much of negative imagery just came to my mind)
3- Part of 2.- the person contributing a very high % to it
4- Something in my family that I wish I could do something about, that gives such a pathetic and angry feeling of helplessness,making me feel like a five year old instead. Ahhhggghhh..grrrrhhh.
5-Radha Aunty leaving us- Hadnt for a moment imagined that when I walked into the Kumaran Hospital on that May afternoon, it would be the last time I would set eyes on her. And yet in a way I was happy that Ma did not see Aunty in that state. The meaning of South Indian delicacies to us, the stopover of our climb to the 8th floor when returning from school,our lift didnt work and we had heavy schoolbags on our shoulders, my bro and I always ran down to the 4th floor, for anything special that was cooked,the connect of our Bhubaneswar and CMPDI colony days that continued to Ranchi. Mom's best friend till date and a very loving and warm Aunty to us and in a matter of less than a year from the detection of Cancer, she left us. I still remember her each time I cross a flat in my colony which has the aroma of home cooked sambhar coming from inside,still the first number in my phonebook for "R" and the searing pain that spreads inside me whenever I go past the Kumaran hospital in Chennai.
On the Engagement day, standing on the rooftop of Hotel Pride, overlooking the same Kumaran hospital, I couldnt help but remember that day and think what it would have been like if she was there on that special day of mine,spreading that cheerful talk that was such a trademark of hers.
God Bless.
6- GrandPa's health- This was a shock. Thats the kind of power a disease like Cancer has,every time for any individual.
WOW..It was an Eventful year-2009
And another year comes that I can only welcome with this thought:
"Give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance, I wanna grow up once again..and I hope the chance is this year :) "
Actually would not know what to celebrate with the closing of a year that brought the most brilliantfanasticallyfabulously lovely thing that can happen :)
I havent written for a long time and actually the reason has been the juggling of my state of mind between two extremes of my life- the continued and exponentially increasing frustration at work and ever-so-prolonged stay in this city/lifestyle alongwith the bright new "sunshine" in my life that "says best when says nothing at all" ;)
I spent some time this New Year's Eve too, thinking about my Highs and Lows in 2009and here is what my mind scribbled on my Yellow Pad (meant for jotting down these things and oh-so inspired from Bucket List) had at the end of it, not in the order of importance :
Highs:
1- The Biggest and Best-est (shy & blushing even when scribbling),which culminated in my getting engaged on 21st of November to Mr.smart-cute-caring Digish Parekh (all other adjectives not meant for public consumption :P )
Prior to that day I realised,probably for the first time, what Anxiety attacks meant.Not ever having spent more than an hour in the 'beauty parlor', doing so on 20th started getting on to my nerves, and all through the train journey,even meeting my family the next morning,kept that sense of 'fear as to whether his family/relatives would like me' very alive inside me. Consenting to the wishes of my family memebrs and allowing myself to be dolled up (which for a change made me look good), I remember my walking out of the elevator of his building and flower petals being showered at me (I almost felt like a film star-albeit a shy,embarassed one not used to so much attention).My first step into the house and on lifting my eyelids,my gaze met his encouraging eyes and warm smile - that was also the first time I realised how Anxiety attacks diffuse away leaving a sense of "All izz well" :)
2- My much awaited and looked forward to "Leh-Ladakh" trip. The way the trip unfolded has been discussed and debated by some of us a lot, and though I agree with them , on my part the fascination that this place has held in my heart all these years, was so great that when I was there it was like a Dream - yes, I almost felt that for that entire week, I was floating in a dreamlike existence. The contrast of landscape, weather, food,roads and mood was something to gobble up in that span of time
(That also reminds me of Venice, which also has been one such place I had always imagined about, and when I had visited it I felt out of the world-literally-almost unconnected with the people around me and yet conjoined to the overall place and the heady atmosphere)
3- My first rightfully earned and deserved Performance Bonus- not for the money as much for the 135% Achievement.I have had a little too much of good luck and hence bad habit of "marks,good nos, good performance" obsession.(And anyway looking at the brawl-at -work scenario this year, its "naiyya doobi samjho bas")
4- The way my Bday was celebrated this year- it was a very distinct and unexpected one (and in retrospect in the light of other events that unfolded,seems nice yet interesting in a questioning manner !)
Lows:
1- The LIVING in MAD-urai that continues to go on and on like an endless exile ....I can begin to sense the mental state of trauma fraught with rebellious thoughts,cynicism and forced conditioning that anyone serving a lifeterm in jail would be going through on a daily basis!!
2- Frustration@Professional life - I guess most people feel it. Just has tentacles that keep growing into the very nerves of your body and endangering every other possibilty of small delights of life (Gawd, so much of negative imagery just came to my mind)
3- Part of 2.- the person contributing a very high % to it
4- Something in my family that I wish I could do something about, that gives such a pathetic and angry feeling of helplessness,making me feel like a five year old instead. Ahhhggghhh..grrrrhhh.
5-Radha Aunty leaving us- Hadnt for a moment imagined that when I walked into the Kumaran Hospital on that May afternoon, it would be the last time I would set eyes on her. And yet in a way I was happy that Ma did not see Aunty in that state. The meaning of South Indian delicacies to us, the stopover of our climb to the 8th floor when returning from school,our lift didnt work and we had heavy schoolbags on our shoulders, my bro and I always ran down to the 4th floor, for anything special that was cooked,the connect of our Bhubaneswar and CMPDI colony days that continued to Ranchi. Mom's best friend till date and a very loving and warm Aunty to us and in a matter of less than a year from the detection of Cancer, she left us. I still remember her each time I cross a flat in my colony which has the aroma of home cooked sambhar coming from inside,still the first number in my phonebook for "R" and the searing pain that spreads inside me whenever I go past the Kumaran hospital in Chennai.
On the Engagement day, standing on the rooftop of Hotel Pride, overlooking the same Kumaran hospital, I couldnt help but remember that day and think what it would have been like if she was there on that special day of mine,spreading that cheerful talk that was such a trademark of hers.
God Bless.
6- GrandPa's health- This was a shock. Thats the kind of power a disease like Cancer has,every time for any individual.
WOW..It was an Eventful year-2009
And another year comes that I can only welcome with this thought:
"Give me some sunshine, give me some rain, give me another chance, I wanna grow up once again..and I hope the chance is this year :) "
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
My first Diwali alone
Almost a month after the day, I could finally bring myself to write this.
My first Diwali alone.
I know in today's day and age , I wouldn't stand out for having to face this situation, but for me, it still would be a tough nut that I cracked.
It was almost a preparation for not falling prey to the predicted outcome of being alone on Diwali-getting depressed. So i stacked up my DVDs in order, to start my "MAD-urai Movie Marathon" 16th night onwards. In between phone calls from ghar and relatives and distributors wishing on the eve of Diwali itself, and Rani Mukherjee romancing Shahid Kapur ( looking oh so sweet and adorable amidst the flimsy script) and the bat,I managed to sleep peacefully and wake up all excited for D day. Cleaning the house and puja ghar, and dolling myself in new clothes,basically 3 hard worked long hours later, I was tired- physically and mentally. I felt exhausted,trying to fight my nostalgia and 'missing people' sulking and the fight I was putting up with someone, trying to not lose the traditions invloved with Diwali- the cleaning and puja and new clothes and rangoli (which I finally did not make after procastinating for long).So I decided to do something different this Diwali, and gifted my neighbor's son all the mithai and crackers that I had recieved from office,etc. At least the smile on his face and the glint of excitement in his eyes on seeing the big box of crackers was my first high point of the day. I felt very nice about myself and my ability to give away those crackers and mark my very first no-crackers Diwali (am growing up!! ;P )
The numerous phone calls through the day (with the constant earth-shaking noise in the background), though requiring a lot of effort, were a constant reconfirmation of the existence of friends and family, something that always pulls one through when alone. However, my biggest achievement was how the simple line oft forced into moralistic "festival" essays we write as kids,played on my mind enough to make me feel the need to "not " keep up a fight on a day of celebration like Diwali- and this worked so much better than all those long explanations and discussions ever do, to clear the air in a situation of conflict. This realisation was like a breath of fresh air (amidst the smoke ridden air outside and the clutter in my mind inside).
For things like these, if nothing else, I still love festivals, even if I have to be alone to celebrate them.
Happy Diwali always :)
My first Diwali alone.
I know in today's day and age , I wouldn't stand out for having to face this situation, but for me, it still would be a tough nut that I cracked.
It was almost a preparation for not falling prey to the predicted outcome of being alone on Diwali-getting depressed. So i stacked up my DVDs in order, to start my "MAD-urai Movie Marathon" 16th night onwards. In between phone calls from ghar and relatives and distributors wishing on the eve of Diwali itself, and Rani Mukherjee romancing Shahid Kapur ( looking oh so sweet and adorable amidst the flimsy script) and the bat,I managed to sleep peacefully and wake up all excited for D day. Cleaning the house and puja ghar, and dolling myself in new clothes,basically 3 hard worked long hours later, I was tired- physically and mentally. I felt exhausted,trying to fight my nostalgia and 'missing people' sulking and the fight I was putting up with someone, trying to not lose the traditions invloved with Diwali- the cleaning and puja and new clothes and rangoli (which I finally did not make after procastinating for long).So I decided to do something different this Diwali, and gifted my neighbor's son all the mithai and crackers that I had recieved from office,etc. At least the smile on his face and the glint of excitement in his eyes on seeing the big box of crackers was my first high point of the day. I felt very nice about myself and my ability to give away those crackers and mark my very first no-crackers Diwali (am growing up!! ;P )
The numerous phone calls through the day (with the constant earth-shaking noise in the background), though requiring a lot of effort, were a constant reconfirmation of the existence of friends and family, something that always pulls one through when alone. However, my biggest achievement was how the simple line oft forced into moralistic "festival" essays we write as kids,played on my mind enough to make me feel the need to "not " keep up a fight on a day of celebration like Diwali- and this worked so much better than all those long explanations and discussions ever do, to clear the air in a situation of conflict. This realisation was like a breath of fresh air (amidst the smoke ridden air outside and the clutter in my mind inside).
For things like these, if nothing else, I still love festivals, even if I have to be alone to celebrate them.
Happy Diwali always :)
Friday, October 9, 2009
Ajab Prem...
Guess,this has been written keeping hopeless romantics,like me, in mind :
"Kuchh yaar nazar nahi aata, gharbar nazar nahi aata,sansar nazar nahi aata..
Jab pyaar hota hai..." :P
Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani ..or
Ajab Premiyon ki Ghazab short-sightedness
"Kuchh yaar nazar nahi aata, gharbar nazar nahi aata,sansar nazar nahi aata..
Jab pyaar hota hai..." :P
Ajab Prem ki Ghazab Kahani ..or
Ajab Premiyon ki Ghazab short-sightedness
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Yes so I made a really big effort to watch Wake Up Sid.
Travelled two continuous nights in A/C Non Volvo, to watch Mr. Ranbir Kapoor supposedly give the best performance till date and Konkana Sen Sharma act in a Karan Johar production.
To say the least I was not impressed...in fact angry at moments, and disturbed too.
So the movie has nothing new to offer...its Lakshya tossed with Dil Chahta Hai 'yippie'ness and 'cool'dom.
But what bothers me most IN the movie is Ms.Ayesh...aa - 27 year old woman who wants to be "independent",defined by earning for yourself, living alone, cooking and washing and managing your house - basically,do everything yourself and enjoy your company(wait till you are posted in MADurai for one and a half years!!anyway). So all of this is fine. But how does she go about doing this?? by simply moving to Bombay, with nothing else than ONE interview as a Plan, taking up a spacious appartment with a breathtaking view in Bombay and furnishing it with, yes arty,but still very expensive stuff (ask me who has furnished her appartment and managed to stay afloat) and mind you in all this, she hasn't yet found a job; then hopping to 'Mumbai Masala' , her only hope, her dream publication,and giving a 'I will clean your desk creatively' kind of sweeping off the editor (!!!) statement to make it for the job, and stay put in Bombay.
Also (as Deepti pointed out to me and I completely agreed), Mr. Lost Sid so conveniently and predictably finds his passion and gifted talent of photography to see him through, that the real angst which one could have felt with him, transforms into almost an envious unacceptance.
Disturbing-- Disappointing
Okay so I am a lover of the Yash Chopra - Karan Johar Romantic fantasies, but when they promise to be fantasies that I can perch up and look at with stars in my eyes and dreams fluttering in my heart. When with that kind of fluffiness they enter a world with attempts at "identifiable character"creation and then give them no body , it is very unsettling and definitely unacceptable.
Not that the movie was that bad,it did not have great insights,but surely some good moments, my favorite being when Ayesha calls home just after Sid has moved out of her appartment, telling her parents she is missing them a lot.
Now what bothers me AROUND the movie- has to be Mr.MNS maker aka potential Talibanising India guru, Raj Thakeray's publicity at the cost of this movie.
Wake Up Sid- Ten minutes into the movie and anyone, I mean ANYONE, can feel that this movie is like a TRIBUTE to Bombay; and trust me you do not have to be a Bombay-ite to feel that (This coming from a person who has hardly seen the place but is very biased against it).Also, the attempt to make the audience fall in love with the city is the one attempt in the movie, I would say, which comes close to some success. Now for all this, Mr.Marathi Manus, turns blind to SUCH a big favor a movie maker is doing to the city and all that is visible (oh sorry )..audilble to him are the two syllables: Bom-bay..!!
P.S: I am so happy I am no Karan Johar and can call a city what I feel like calling.
Travelled two continuous nights in A/C Non Volvo, to watch Mr. Ranbir Kapoor supposedly give the best performance till date and Konkana Sen Sharma act in a Karan Johar production.
To say the least I was not impressed...in fact angry at moments, and disturbed too.
So the movie has nothing new to offer...its Lakshya tossed with Dil Chahta Hai 'yippie'ness and 'cool'dom.
But what bothers me most IN the movie is Ms.Ayesh...aa - 27 year old woman who wants to be "independent",defined by earning for yourself, living alone, cooking and washing and managing your house - basically,do everything yourself and enjoy your company(wait till you are posted in MADurai for one and a half years!!anyway). So all of this is fine. But how does she go about doing this?? by simply moving to Bombay, with nothing else than ONE interview as a Plan, taking up a spacious appartment with a breathtaking view in Bombay and furnishing it with, yes arty,but still very expensive stuff (ask me who has furnished her appartment and managed to stay afloat) and mind you in all this, she hasn't yet found a job; then hopping to 'Mumbai Masala' , her only hope, her dream publication,and giving a 'I will clean your desk creatively' kind of sweeping off the editor (!!!) statement to make it for the job, and stay put in Bombay.
Also (as Deepti pointed out to me and I completely agreed), Mr. Lost Sid so conveniently and predictably finds his passion and gifted talent of photography to see him through, that the real angst which one could have felt with him, transforms into almost an envious unacceptance.
Disturbing-- Disappointing
Okay so I am a lover of the Yash Chopra - Karan Johar Romantic fantasies, but when they promise to be fantasies that I can perch up and look at with stars in my eyes and dreams fluttering in my heart. When with that kind of fluffiness they enter a world with attempts at "identifiable character"creation and then give them no body , it is very unsettling and definitely unacceptable.
Not that the movie was that bad,it did not have great insights,but surely some good moments, my favorite being when Ayesha calls home just after Sid has moved out of her appartment, telling her parents she is missing them a lot.
Now what bothers me AROUND the movie- has to be Mr.MNS maker aka potential Talibanising India guru, Raj Thakeray's publicity at the cost of this movie.
Wake Up Sid- Ten minutes into the movie and anyone, I mean ANYONE, can feel that this movie is like a TRIBUTE to Bombay; and trust me you do not have to be a Bombay-ite to feel that (This coming from a person who has hardly seen the place but is very biased against it).Also, the attempt to make the audience fall in love with the city is the one attempt in the movie, I would say, which comes close to some success. Now for all this, Mr.Marathi Manus, turns blind to SUCH a big favor a movie maker is doing to the city and all that is visible (oh sorry )..audilble to him are the two syllables: Bom-bay..!!
P.S: I am so happy I am no Karan Johar and can call a city what I feel like calling.
boond boond...
I can see the rain from my room
the drops falling, slipping, settling
on whatever that comes their way
not thinking,hesitating or restraining
just letting themselves fall by
I can hear the rain from my room
Lashing against the windows
Beating the ground, hurting themselves
the drops still touch the surfaces
that give music to their fall
I can smell the rain from my room
Mingled with every breeze that reaches out
Fused with every grain of the soil
freshening it with a scent so fine
being absorbed by it,not knowing why
I wish I could be like the rain outside
Hit myself and not feel the pain
create a beauty no artist could capture
produce a music only hearbeats could murmur
spread the heady fragrance only a new romance could parallel
not "have" to live ...just be myself
the drops falling, slipping, settling
on whatever that comes their way
not thinking,hesitating or restraining
just letting themselves fall by
I can hear the rain from my room
Lashing against the windows
Beating the ground, hurting themselves
the drops still touch the surfaces
that give music to their fall
I can smell the rain from my room
Mingled with every breeze that reaches out
Fused with every grain of the soil
freshening it with a scent so fine
being absorbed by it,not knowing why
I wish I could be like the rain outside
Hit myself and not feel the pain
create a beauty no artist could capture
produce a music only hearbeats could murmur
spread the heady fragrance only a new romance could parallel
not "have" to live ...just be myself
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